


Flirting, Fun and the Draft Order.

by ikkiM



Series: Stannis Baratheon, Fantasy Football League Commissioner [3]
Category: A Song of Ice and Fire - George R. R. Martin, Game of Thrones (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Crack, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Candy Licker, Chatting & Messaging, F/M, Fantasy Football, Fluff, Gen, Green Plaid Shirt, Humor, I for Innuendo, Insanity, Laughter, M/M, Paperclip Necklaces, Shirt Murder, Stuff You Should Not Search At Work, The Liberator
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-20
Updated: 2014-07-26
Packaged: 2018-02-09 14:42:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 13
Words: 16,389
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1986810
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ikkiM/pseuds/ikkiM
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Saturday night chats, do these people ever work and Stannis needs to know how they are choosing the draft order.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Saturday Night Chats, Part 1.

Kingslayer: Why are you online on a Saturday night, wench?  
WarriorMaiden: I could ask the same of you, idiot.  
Kingslayer: Tyrion is out of town.  
WarriorMaiden: You can't go out without him?  
Kingslayer: I can. I mean, of course I can. I just don't feel like it.  
WarriorMaiden: A guy like you feels like staying home on a Saturday night?  
Kingslayer: There are no guys like me. Only me.  
WarriorMaiden: *rolls eyes*  
Kingslayer: So what are you doing?  
WarriorMaiden: Stannis sent me the League rules. I decided to review them.  
Kingslayer: It's a scoring sheet.  
WarriorMaiden: It's 47 pages.  
Kingslayer: What the fuck?  
WarriorMaiden: There are rules about how to choose new members, rules on how someone becomes commissioner.  
WarriorMaiden: There is even a rule about vomiting on someone's phone to prevent them from setting their lineup.  
Kingslayer: That was Robert.  
WarriorMaiden: It is called the "Baratheon Barf Rule."  
Kingslayer: Are there any rules about me?  
WarriorMaiden: Don't you have a copy of these?  
Kingslayer: Why would I?  
WarriorMaiden: Because you're in the league? Duh?  
Kingslayer: All I do is set my lineup and win.  
WarriorMaiden: Right.  
Kingslayer: I won the first League I ever played in.  
WarriorMaiden: I think there's a rule about that. Something about not being allowed to bribe or attempt to bribe players to score or not score fantasy points. It’s Lannister Rule #4.  
Kingslayer: That's my family Brienne, that's not me.  
WarriorMaiden: You have to answer for Santino, Carlo. You fingered Sonny for the Barzini people.  
Kingslayer: You did not just get my Godfather quote.  
WarriorMaiden: Yes, yes I did.

\--

UKnowUWantMe: ur bros suck  
BeardedStag: Yes. Stannis particularly. Or so Davos claims.  
UKnowUWantMe: gods! don't give me images! bald guys ..ugh  
BeardedStag: Davos isn't bad. For an old guy.  
UKnowUWantMe: is that what u want me 2 b?  
UKnowUWantMe: old and bald and hairy?  
UKnowUWantMe: r u going to thro me over for selmy?  
BeardedStag: I am not interested in Barristan Selmy.  
UKnowUWantMe: u want to co-own w him, not me  
BeardedStag: You’re the only co-owner for me, baby.  
UKnowUWantMe: y rn’t u here?  
BeardedStag: Because I’m on the other end of the couch.  
UKnowUWantMe: cum closer  
BeardedStag: On my way.

\--

YoungWolf: HELP ME  
SharkReek: 'sup?  
YoungWolf: Jeyne is making me watch greys anatomy  
SharkReek: bwhahahahahhha  
YoungWolf: these chicks r dumb  
SharkReek: but they all wear scrubs caus they wanna fuk  
YoungWolf: but then they talk about it, endlessly  
YoungWolf: what it means, what they think it means, wht they think he thinks it means, what it could mean, what they want ti to mean. PAIN  
SharkReek: hahahha, c what u get 4 getting married  
SharkReek: make out w her during commercials, thts what i did w marg  
YoungWolf: it's dvred, no commercials  
SharkReek: ur fucked dude  
YoungWolf: at least im getting laid 2night, y r u home? date w ur hand?  
SharkReek: fuck u, asshole

\--

Kingslayer: But it had that great "they pull me back in" line  
WarriorMaiden: One good line does not make up for Sofia Coppola.  
Kingslayer: Fine. I'll give you that. I wouldn't have taken you for a Godfather fan.  
WarriorMaiden: Why not? It's a classic revenge story. That appeals to me.  
Kingslayer: Was Sonny your favorite?  
WarriorMaiden: You mean the handsome, promiscuous hothead whose rash decisionmaking and temper got him killed?  
Kingslayer: ...yeah.  
WarriorMaiden: No. Not my favorite.  
Kingslayer: Nothing wrong with being handsome, you know.  
WarriorMaiden: Nothing so great about it either.

\--

iluvgilly: i had a really nice time  
samissosweet: me2!  
iluvgilly: i like dating u a lot  
samissosweet: me2!

\--

KellyCsBear: Your sister threw a lovely dinner party tonight  
TheLastDragon: She served Dothraki food. DOTHRAKI FOOD  
KellyCsBear: it was a party for Khal Drogo's fantasy league. You can't expect it to be in the Westerosi tradition.  
TheLastDragon: We are Westerosi. We are not Essoi. And my little sister needs to learn it.  
KellyCsBear: You would do well to be kind to her. Drogo may have fantasy football advice for us.  
TheLastDragon: For ME you mean. This is my team. And there is only one league that matters. Who would want to win the Essos Leagues when they could win the Iron Throne?  
KellyCsBear: It’s not as if Essos has better weather, freer customs, better food, nicer clothes. While Westeros is cold, violent and miserable.  
TheLastDragon: It’s ESSOS. It’s the third world.  
KellyCsBear: Of course, of course. But Khal Drogo is the champion here.  
TheLastDragon: And I don't NEED Drogo's advice.  
KellyCsBear: A good owner takes all the advice he can get.  
ThaLastDragon: I was born to win the Fantasy Football League. That throne is mine by right.  
KellyCsBear: And one day you will have it.  
ThaLastDragon: Without Khal Drogo's help.  
KellyCsBear: Do you think your sister would need help cleaning up tomorrow? I could stop over. Visit. Spend some time with her. Maybe take her a present? A hostess gift?  
TheLastDragon: What the fuck?

\--  
WarriorMaiden: You are completely and absolutely wrong. You’re bathed in the light of wrongness. There is nothing more wrong than you. You’re an idiot. You have no idea what you’re talking about and you should just shut up now before you further embarrass yourself.  
Kingslayer: I am not wrong. My hair is a golden halo of rightness. And why is it that the first time you’ve ever said more than three sentences to me is about how you think I’m stupid?  
WarriorMaiden: I had to say a lot to emphasize your stupidity.  
Kingslayer: But I’m right. If we were to line up every member of the league they would agree with me.  
WarriorMaiden: Do you really think Walder Frey’s opinion on which movie has better fight scenes, Highlander or Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon is valid?  
Kingslayer: It’s Highlander, without queston.  
WarriorMaiden: Crouching Tiger.  
Kingslayer: There can be only one.  
WarriorMaiden: A sword by itself rules nothing. It only comes alive in skilled hands.  
Kingslayer: How skilled are your hands with a sword?  
WarriorMaiden: *rolls eyes*

\--

PinkISPretty: hey obreyn  
PinkISPretty: orbyen  
PinkISPretty: OBERYUN  
SexViper: Sweet Walda, how can I help you?  
PinkISPretty: rosoe doens’t tink i’m sexy  
SexViper: All women are sexy.  
PinkISPretty: I durnk som wine it aws pnk  
SexViper: And the wine has made you seek me out?  
PinkISPretty: hwo do i get rooes 2 think im sexy  
SexViper: Do you love your body, sweet Walda?  
PinkISPretty: im not sknny  
SexViper: Skinny, not, tall, short, any woman who loves her body is sexy.  
PinkISPretty: rly?  
SexViper: Show him, sweet Walda, show him how you love your body. Touch your body the way you want him to touch you. Make him watch as you touch yourself. He will learn to love your body too.  
PinkISPretty: i wnt 2 kiss u

[PinkISPretty has signed out of chat.]

\--

Kingslayer: We should totally swordfight.  
WarriorMaiden: I took two fencing classes in college. Fencing is not swordfighting.  
Kingslayer: I’ll get us some wooden swords. We can swordfight in the park.  
WarriorMaiden: I am not going to fake swordfight you in the park.  
Kingslayer: Afraid I’ll beat you?  
WarriorMaiden: Afraid I’ll hurt you.  
Kingslayer: As if you could.

\--

FertileNonagenarian: *snore*

\--

LegitimizeThisBitches: id take ur bro hostage  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: I’d come get him.  
LegitimizeThisBitches: u wouldn’t get past the door  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: it would be a sneak attack  
LegitimizeThisBitches: bitch, please, u coldnt sneak up on me  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: Anything with a cock is easy to fool.  
LegitimizeThisBitches: ur bro would want to stay w me  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: Then I’d leave him behind.  
LegitimizeThisBitches: id send him n as a spy  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: I’d sacrifice him to win.  
LegitimizeThisBitches: ur cold  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: I’m serious about paintball wars.

\--

WarriorMaiden: It’s late. I need to get to sleep. I didn’t even get these rules read.  
Kingslayer: Brienne?  
WarriorMaiden: Jaime?  
Kingslayer: Do you really collect dick pics?  
WarriorMaiden: Shut up.

[WarriorMaiden has signed out of chat.]


	2. Stannis Gets Bossy.  And Bossed Around.  Sunday.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Stannis is becoming impatient and no one has anything better to do on a Sunday than check emails.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is blatant fanservice to [Vana](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Vana/pseuds/Vana/works).

FROM: Stannis Baratheon  
TO: The Iron Throne League Owners  
RE: Draft Order  
DATE: July 20, 2014

Dear League Owners,

To date, no one has suggested a method for choosing the draft order. The last time we did not have a clear method was when we drafted at the Twins, the weekend of Walder’s daughter’s wedding. Lack of order and method resulted in actual bloodshed. We will not have another Red Wedding draft. We must have an appropriate method for choosing the draft order. I expect to hear from all of you today.

Respectfully,  
Stannis Baratheon  
Co-Owner Team Baratheon  
Your Fantasy Football League Commissioner

\--

FingerfewerHand: I'm not gone from the house for fifteen minutes and you're already sending out emails about the draft order?  
CommissionerByRight: Are you chatting while driving?  
FingerfewerHand: No. I stopped to pick up fresh bagels.  
CommissionerByRight: From the bakery that makes the wolf bread?  
FingerfewerHand: Of course.  
CommissionerByRight: Those are my favorite bagels.  
FingerfewerHand: I know.  
CommissionerByRight: Thank you. The other bakery makes inferior bagels.  
FingerfewerHand: Stop changing the subject. I leave for fifteen minutes and your blood pressure is skyrocketing.  
CommissionerByRight: It's just fine.  
FingerfewerHand: Stannis. Your email doesn't lie.  
CommssionerByRight: Email is not a sentient being which can lie or tell the truth.  
FingerfewerHand: Your email is telling me that your blood pressure is up.  
CommissionerByRight: Davos.  
FingerfewerHand: Stannis.  
CommissionerByRight: Fine. I was annoyed when I wrote it.  
FingerfewerHand: Yes.  
CommissionerByRight: They behave like unruly nine year olds.  
FingerfewerHand: They do. They won't change overnight.  
CommissionerByRight: The league needs order and method.  
FingerfewerHand: It does, but it won't happen at once.  
CommissionerByRight: I know that.  
FingerfewerHand: Then stop letting yourself get so worked up.  
CommissionerByRight: Fine. Do I still get my bagels?  
FingerfewerHand: If you can manage to be a good boy.  
CommissionerByRight: Yes, Sir.  
FingerfewerHand: You will not even look at the responses until tomorrow.  
CommissionerByRight: ...  
FingerfewerHand: Stannis?  
CommissionerByRight: I promise.  
FingerfewerHand: Stannis?  
CommissionerByRight: I promise, Sir.

\--

UKnowUWantMe: ur bro is a dick  
BeardedStag: *sigh* I know. Try growing up with him.  
UKnowUWantMe: u should be commish  
BeardedStag: Soon enough, the league will get sick of him. They will turn to me.  
UKnowUWantMe: im gonna fuck w that baldy  
BeardedStag: Be nice.  
UKnowUWantMe: ur going 2 have 2 get ur hands dirty  
BeardedStag: Not yet. And don’t you want my hands elsewhere?  
UKnowUWantMe: get in here

\--

TO: Stannis Baratheon  
FROM: Loras Tyrell  
CC: Renly Baratheon  
RE: Draft Order  
DATE: July 20, 2014

Stanno

We should choose the draft order based on best hair.

Loras  
The Hottest Fantasy Football Team Owner in Westeros

\--

YoungWolf: how should we do the draft?  
WardenWolf: every one else will choose 2 make themselves 1st  
YoungWolf: should we do that?  
WardenWolf: its not honorable  
YoungWolf: but we don’t want 2 screw ourselves  
WardenWolf: its important 2 do the rgiht thing  
YoungWolf: i trust u

\--

TO: Stannis Baratheon  
FROM: Ned Stark  
CC: Robb Stark  
RE: Draft Order  
DATE: July 20, 2014

Stannis,

After thinking about it, I think we should decide the draft order based on geographic location, traveling North to South. This would give Jon and Sam the first pick in the draft. I think you can see that this is an honorable solution as it wouldn’t give me first pick. 

Ned Stark  
Winter Is Coming To a Fantasy Football League Near You

\--

IKnowALittleSomething: u got an idea on draft order?  
iluvgilly: i went out w gilly last night  
IKnowALittleSomething: last yrs worst team goes first?  
iluvgilly: i havnt u know, kissed her  
IKnowALittleSomething: y not?  
iluvgilly: not sure how  
IKnowALittleSomething: its not that hard sam  
iluvgilly: i read a book on it  
IKnowALittleSomething: did it help  
iluvgilly: no  
IKnowALittleSomething: draft order?  
iluvgilly: no clue  
IKnowALittleSomething: me neither  
iluvgilly: sometimes ygritte is right

\--

TO: Stannis Baratheon  
FROM: Samwell Tarly  
CC: Jon Snow  
RE: Draft Order  
DATE: July 20, 2014

stannis,  
jon and i have no idea how to choose draft order. maybe i should ask gilly?

Sam Tarly  
Watcher of the Girl

\--

SexViper: Stannes wants to know about the ordering of the draft choices.  
LimpingLord: Does it matter?  
SexViper: In the end, no. As long as we take down the Lannesters.  
LimpingLord: You have a plan for that?  
SexViper: The goddess Brienne seems to be a distraction for Jaime and Tyrion.  
LimpingLord: Will she help us?  
SexViper: She plays with honor. She cannot know.  
LimpingLord: So what will you do?  
SexViper: I will find a way. Lannesters aren’t the only ones who pay their debts.

\--  
TO: Stannis Baratheon  
FROM: Oberyn Martell  
CC: Doran Martell  
RE: Draft Order  
DATE: July 21, 2014

Stannes

We should choose draft order by our numbers of our sexual partners. We have all been in the League for years, except the goddess Brienne. We should be able to discuss these things, openly. In detail. Great detail. Perhaps with video. 

Oberyn  
Your Champion

\--

SharkKing: choose draft order?  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: Have you asked Theon?  
SharkKing: hes an idiot  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: he’s your co-owner  
SharkKing: That was a mistake.

\--

TO: Stannis Baratheon  
FROM: Balon Greyjoy  
CC: Theon Greyjoy  
RE: Draft Order  
DATE: July 20, 2014

Stannis  
We should draft in alphabetical order by first names.

Balon Greyjoy  
We Do Not Sew Football Jerseys

\--

TO: Stannis Baratheon  
FROM: Brienne Tarth  
RE: Draft Order  
DATE: July 20, 2014

Dear Stannis,

It seems most fair and appropriate to choose the draft order in some random way, such as drawing numbers. Anything else doesn’t seem fair. However, if you have a traditional way to choose the draft order, I would accept that. I saw nothing in my review of the rules to provide any guidance.

Sincerely,  
Brienne Tarth  
Owner Team Tarth

\--

TO: Stannis Baratheon  
FROM: Viserys Targaryen  
CC: Jorah Mormont  
RE: Draft Order  
DATE: July 20, 2014

Stannis,

My family has the longest existing Fantasy Football dynasty. I should pick first in the draft. Call it what you want, but make sure I pick first.

Viserys  
THE LAST DRAGON

\--

LegitimizeThisBitches: choose the draft order based on what?  
FlayMaster: I know you have your own way of doing things, but leave this to me.  
LegitimizeThisBitches: why dont u trust me father  
FlayMaster: You must prove yourself worthy.

\--

TO: Stannis Baratheon  
FROM: Roose Bolton  
CC: Ramsay Bolton  
RE: Draft Order  
DATE: July 20, 2014

Stannis,

After careful consideration, I believe that Fantasy Football is based on survival of the fittest. As such, I believe we should base the draft order on strongest to weakest. I would be willing to order the teams by who would be easiest to injure or kill.

Sincerely  
Roose Bolton  
The Player Flayer

\--

TO: Stannis Baratheon  
FROM: Unknown  
CC: Unknowns  
RE: Draft Order  
DATE: July 20, 2014

A draft must be done. An order must be chosen. 

Jaqen  
I Was Never Here

\--

TO: Stannis Baratheon  
FROM: Walder Frey  
RE: Draft ORDER  
DATE: July 20, 2014

Stans

We should draft based on number of wives.

Walder Frey  
Single and Lookin’

\--

TO: Stannis Baratheon  
FROM: Tyrion Lannister  
CC: Jaime Lannister  
RE: Draft Order  
DATE: July 20, 2014 

Hey StannytheManny

We should draft based on last year’s champion going first. Once Jaime and I choose, we will decide who goes second. The second place person decides who goes next. Once we have all chosen, we serpentine that motherfucker for eighteen rounds.

Tyrion  
Co-Fucking Champion  
Only Assholes Read Signature Blocks

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I need to thank [Vana](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Vana/pseuds/Vana/works) and [CommaSplice](http://archiveofourown.org/users/CommaSplice/works) for answering all of my insane Roose/Davos/Stannis/Balon questions. They are brilliant writers and wonderful resources. Go read their fics!


	3. Sex Tapes, Secrets and Davos Will Handle This.  Monday, Part 1.

Kingslayer: Brilliant idea on the draft order, bro.  
URallAssholes: i am the smart 1  
Kingslayer: We can choose Brienne.  
URallAssholes: we can make every1 beg us 2 b our pick  
Kingslayer: Not Brienne though. We just choose her.  
URallAssholes: we’ll make them dance like monkeys  
Kingslayer: And then just pick Brienne.  
URallAssholes: maybe we can make them send begging videos  
Kingslayer: I’ll tell Brienne we would choose her.  
URallAssholes: brienne brienne brienne brienne  
Kingslayer: Yeah. Brienne.

[iluvgilly has joined the conversation.]

URallAssholes: by the 7 u dumbass, have u asked her out again yet?  
iluvgilly: gilly and i went out 4 pancakes!  
Kingslayer: Nice one, Sam.  
URallAssholes: sam is getting more play than u

[KissedByFire has joined the conversation.]

KissbedByFire: What are you idiots talking about?  
URallAssholes: our sex lives  
KissedByFire: Like any of you has sex.  
URallAssholes: i have sex often, want 2 try me out?

[URallAssholes has invited WarriorMaiden to the conversation.]  
[WarriorMaiden has joined the conversation.]

WarriorMaiden: What’s up?  
Kingslayer: Hi Brienne! How are you?  
URallAssholes: b, tell yiggy here that i get laid often  
WarriorMaiden: Why would I do that?  
URallAssholes: bc ur the one helping me get laid  
WarriorMaiden: Shut up.

[WarriorMaiden has left the conversation.]

Kingslayer: Why did you run her off?

[Kingslayer has left the conversation.]

KissedByFire: Jon wants video.  
URallAssholes: so he can sit n a dark corner and cry?  
KissedByFire: He likes porn. *shrug*  
URallAssholes: of his friends, fucking?  
KissedByFire: Okay. That is weird.  
iluvgilly: i wont make vidoes 4 jon

\--

CommissionerByRight: Davos, I forwarded you the emails I received on suggestions for choosing a draft order. You are seeing these before the rest of the league members. It might be inappropriate.  
FingerfewerHand: I’m sure that’s fine.  
FingerfewerHand: Let me read through them.  
FingerfewerHand: …  
FingerfewerHand: …  
FingerfewerHand: …  
FingerfewerHand: Oh my.  
CommissionerByRight: Number of sexual partners? Best hair? Easiest to kill?  
FingerfewerHand: Oberyn always wants things to be based on something sexual. That’s just how he is, Stannis. Of course, if we are looking at opposite sex partners, Tyrion or Theon will be high on the list. You and I, however...  
CommissionerByRight: Sexual promiscuity has no place in choosing the draft order. Neither does quantity or quality of hair, spouses or ability to survive an attempted murder.  
FingerfewerHand: You know Loras just said that hair thing to get on your nerves.  
CommissionerByRight: No matter. Loras does not have the best hair in the League.  
FingerfewerHand: Of course. Jaime does.  
CommissionerByRight: Not that it matters.  
FingerfewerHand: Of course, balding is hot.  
CommissionerByRight: Yes, Davos, it is.  
FingerfewerHand: As are beards.  
CommissionerByRight: Beards...  
CommissionerByRight: Don’t distract me like that. What am I going to do about these suggestions?  
FingerfewerHand: I’ll talk to them. Tyrion’s idea isn’t bad. Brienne has a good suggestion as well.  
CommissionerByRight: Brienne did read the rules I sent her. I should have made everyone review them.  
FingerfewerHand: They wouldn’t have. There isn’t a rule on draft order either.  
CommissionerByRight: Perhaps I should draft one.  
FingerfewerHand: Just let me talk to people about these suggestions.  
CommissionerByRight: Are you sure that’s appropriate?  
FingerfewerHand: Trust me, Stannis. I’ll take care of this.

\--

Kingslayer: So we talked all night.  
URallAssholes: sounds like a sansa stark style date  
Kingslayer: Who?  
URallAssholes: ned’s daughter  
Kingslayer: Ned has a daughter?  
Kingslayer: She’s funny.  
URallAssholes: sansa?  
Kingslayer: Who? 

\--

MrsYoungWolf: I think Robb was online chatting on Saturday night.  
RedHeadedMother: Did you take his phone away?  
MrsYoungWolf: No. I was shopping for shoes.  
RedHeadedMother: You can’t expect him to pay attention to you if you don’t pay attention to him.  
MrsYoungWolf: But he likes Grey’s Anatomy.  
RedHeadedMother: I know. He pretends not to though.  
MrsYoungWolf: I checked his browser history. He posts on a Grey’s message board.  
RedHeadedMother: Does he know you know?  
MrsYoungWolf: No…  
RedHeadedMother: Let him have his secrets. Gods know I let Ned have his.  
MrsYoungWolf: Ned has secrets?  
RedHeadedMother: What shoes did you buy?

\--

Kingslayer: She called me an idiot.  
URallAssholes: u r an idiot


	4. Do You People Ever Work?  Monday, Part 2.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Brienne gets annoyed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Woops. I had a mistake in there. Hopefully I caught it before anyone else did.

YoungWolf: greys anatomy sucks  
SharkReek: totally sucks  
YoungWolf: ‘specially the redhead  
SharkReek: the virgin one? she sucked  
SharkReek: ‘cept 4 being hot  
YoungWolf: totally hot, if she’d shut up  
SharkReek: meredith though, man, she so needs to shut up  
YoungWolf: shes th3 worst  
SharkReek: not like the chick that left  
YoungWolf: cristina? yeah, she was hot  
SharkReek: wish she hadn’t left  
YoungWolf: they should bring her back  
SharkReek: her goodby ws rough  
YoungWolf: jeyne cried  
SharkReek: chicks, upset over tv  
YoungWolf: yeah, chicks.

\--

URallAssholes: u should date jaime  
WarriorMaiden: Why are you on this again?  
URallAssholes: bc i like u  
URallAssholes: not as much as he likes u  
WarriorMaiden: I run with him three nights each week. That should be plenty of time for you to go out and get laid.  
URallAssholes: running? that’s it  
WarriorMaiden: Yes, we are running tonight.  
URallAssholes: and not spending all night chatting?  
WarriorMaiden: We just talked movies.  
URallAssholes: come on, u like him 2  
WarriorMaiden: Whatever. We’re just friends.  
WarriorMaiden: He sets a good pace when we run.

[iluvgilly has joined the conversation.]

URallAssholes: a man who can set a good pace is hard 2 find  
URallAssholes: and we all know u like a good hard pace, brienne  
iluvgilly: did i interrupt u?  
WarriorMaiden: You do that stuff on purpose, don’t you?  
URallAssholes: no...not me :)  
WarriorMaiden: What’s up Sam?  
iluvgilly: does jon rly like sex tapes of his friends?  
WarriorMaiden: What the hell?  
iluvgilly: r u making him a sex tape?  
URallAssholes: no, sam, we keep r sex prvt  
iluvgilly: good  
WarriorMaiden: I am not making any sex tapes ever. For anyone.  
iluvgilly: im glad  
iluvgilly: brienne, jaime is rly nice  
URallAssholes: jaime is super nice, he likes u  
iluvgilly: me?  
WarriorMaiden: *facepalm*  
iluvgilly: i gtg

[iluvgilly has left the conversation.]

WarriorMaiden: Why do you do that?  
URallAssholes: bc it’s funny and i like fuckin w them

[HyleontheHunt has joined the conversation.]

HyleontheHunt: hey brie, wanna go out after work 2night and hang?  
URallAssholes: she has plans, wankstain

[URallAssholes has invited Kingslayer to the conversation.]  
[Kingslayer has joined the conversation.]

URallAssholes: stop tryin 2 get brienne 2 date u, fucking tosser  
WarriorMaiden: Shut up Tyrion. I can handle this myself.  
Kingslayer: Is that Hunt bedwetter bugging you again, wench?  
HyleontheHunt: who r these guys brie?  
Kingslayer: Her NAME IS BRIENNE.  
WarriorMaiden: These are guys from my fantasy football league and I have plans tonight.  
Kingslayer: Plans with me, you fetid pissant.  
HyleontheHunt: k, c u nt he breakroom

[HyleontheHunt has left the conversation.]

Kingslayer: What did he just call you?  
Kingslayer: I’m going to knock his teeth out.  
URallAssholes: u totally should, kick his ass  
WarriorMaiden: He said See you in the breakroom. Just in chat speak and with typos.  
URallAssholes: defend her honor  
WarriorMaiden: I can take care of my own honor.  
Kingslayer: Call the driver, I’m going over to BE right now to beat him to a bloody pulp.  
Kingslayer: Want to come with me, bro?  
WarriorMaiden: Seriously? Over a typo?

[SharkReek has joined the conversation.]

SharkReek: There once was a woman named Brienne.  
She oft was mistook for a man.  
She didn't have tits,  
Just big pinkish nips.  
Get it up? I don't think I can!

[IronIslandsBattleBabe has joined the conversation.]

URallAssholes: i havn’t seen u kick ass n a while  
Kingslayer: I’m going to kick your ass too, Peeon.  
URallAssholes: yeah, beat him up  
URallAssholes: how dare he talk 2 brienne that way  
WarriorMaiden: What in the hell?  
WarriorMaiden: No one is kicking anyone’s ass, anywhere.  
WarriorMaiden: Hyle’s just stupid and Theon is...he’s Theon. He doesn’t count.  
SharkReek: i count  
Kingslayer: Hunt called you a filthy name, Brienne. He deserves at least a black eye.  
URallAssholes: maybe a kick in the balls?  
SharkReek: 1, 2, 3, 4  
IronIslandBattleBabe: I like to watch a good asskicking.  
Kingslayer: He’s probably nutless.  
Kingslayer: And we all know babyshark is dickless.  
WarriorMaiden: You call me wench.  
WarriorMaiden: And you shut up, little man.  
WarriorMaiden: I need no help in kicking ass.  
URallAssholes: come on baby, let the Lannister boys take care of u

[SexViper has joined the conversation.]

SexViper: Did someone say menage a trois? Interested in a fourth?  
Kingslayer: You leave her alone, greaseball.  
WarriorMaiden: Oh great. Just fantastic. 

[FingerfewerHand has joined the conversation.]

WarriorMaiden: Now people will not only think I have a collection of dick pics, but they will also think I’m having sex with both of you. Sam will tell everyone that Jon has it on tape.  
WarriorMaiden: Crotchless pantyhose. Jon Snow’s oral skills. Ron Connington’s impotence issues. Theon’s obsession with boobs and left lilt. Nooners and oral sex in cars. Sam’s...oh I can’t.  
WarriorMaiden: Do you people ever work? 

[WarriorMaiden has signed out of chat.]

Kingslayer: I hate it when she leaves.

[Kingslayer has signed out of chat.] 

SharkReek: jon has sex tapes?  
SexViper: Making love to a woman with my mouth in a car, it was a nice breakfast.  
SharkReek: margaery had crotchless panty hose  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: I should take Snow for a test run.  
SharkReek: rocket ron is a limp dick?  
FingerfewerHand: She has a collection of dick pics?  
SharkReek: i DO NOT lilt 2 the left  
URallAssholes: she likes nooners  
SharkReek: sam’s what?  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: Fat pink mast.  
SharkReek: …  
FingerfewerHand: …  
URallAssholes: *barf*  
SexViper: Is there a picture in the goddess’s collection?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Credit to [InkandType](http://archiveofourown.org/users/InkandType/pseuds/InkandType/works) for Theon's limerick. I loved it. Thank you! Now go work on those Blueprints. Or that Baelish murder series.


	5. Waffles or Pancakes?  Marino or Montana?  Green Plaid Shirts.  Tuesday, Part 1.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Introducing...the green plaid shirt. http://nikolajsgreenplaidshirt.tumblr.com/  
> For [MotherofFirkins](http://archiveofourown.org/users/MotherofFirkins/pseuds/MotherofFirkins/worksworks)  
> .

Kingslayer: We could go to brunch.  
WarriorMaiden: It’s Tuesday.  
Kingslayer: They serve brunch on Tuesday.  
WarriorMaiden: Tuesday meaning I’m at work.  
Kingslayer: I’m at work too. We should go to brunch.  
WarriorMaiden: I actually work when I’m at work.  
Kingslayer: Me too. We can get pancakes.  
WarriorMaiden: I am at work. I cannot leave. I have to work.  
Kingslayer: I could just bring you some pancakes.  
WarriorMaiden: I prefer waffles.  
Kingslayer: Syrup or fruit topping?  
WarriorMaiden: Light syrup, lots of butter.  
Kingslayer: They’ll be difficult to keep warm. I should just get the waffle guy and come to your office.  
WarriorMaiden: You have a waffle guy?  
Kingslayer: ...Maybe. I can be there in 20 minutes.  
WarriorMaiden: I am working. No waffles. No waffle guys.  
Kingslayer: I’m working too. I can still eat waffles.  
WarriorMaiden: What do you do all day besides chat?  
Kingslayer: Stuff. And things. Mostly.  
WarriorMaiden: And people pay you for that?  
Kingslayer: No clue. Tyrion takes care of that.  
WarriorMaiden: Seriously? How do you manage to breathe on your own?  
Kingslayer: I have a breathing guy.

\--

BeenThereDoneThatQueen: You could suggest a federalist system.  
iluvgilly: but what if two owners don’t agree?  
BeenThereDoneThatQueen: Sam, if you really want Brienne to have equal voting power in the League and the suggestion of her getting a second vote had been defeated, you need to propose a federalist system, choosing one of the co-owners as the representative who votes for each individual team.  
iluvgilly: but what if jon adn I don’t agree?  
BeenThereDoneThatQueen: Do you often disagree?  
iluvgilly: no, but jorah and viserys do, and roose and ramsay  
BeenThereDoneThatQueen: Then let them implode. You need to be more ruthless, Sam. All is fair in love and fantasy football.  
iluvgilly: ur right  
iluvgilly: shud i ask gilly 2 b my gf?

\--

WarriorMaiden: Montana.  
Kingslayer: Marino.  
WarriorMaiden: Montana.  
Kingslayer: Marino.  
WarriorMaiden: Montana.  
Kingslayer: Marino.  
WarriorMaiden: How many Super Bowls did Marino win?  
Kingslayer: He was still a better quarterback.  
WarriorMaiden: Good quarterbacks win Super Bowls.  
Kingslayer: Whatever.  
Kingslayer: Marino.  
WarriorMaiden: Montana.

\--

FingerfewerHand: Tyrion, you have to inject some sanity into this draft order thing.  
URallAssholes: y?  
FingerfewerHand: For Stannis. He’s an honest man and he’s our best chance at maintaining this league. And I love him.  
URallAssholes: y me?  
FingerfewerHand: Because you enjoy this league as much as the rest of us and don’t want to see it fail.  
URallAssholes: fine  
URallAssholes: what have thse fuckwits suggested?  
FingerfewerHand: Best hair, number of wives, sex partners, geography, hardest to kill, random draw, alphabetical by first name.  
URallAssholes: brienne suggested random draw?  
FingerfewerHand: How did you know that?  
URallAssholes: the way u listed them is loras, walder, oberyn, Ned or Jon, roose/ramsay, brienne, balon. these peeps r not smart  
FingerfewerHand: You’re right of course. The random suggestion sticks out from the usual ridiculousness.  
URallAssholes: tall chick hasn't become infected with our league fuckery  
URallAssholes: yet  
URallAssholes: j and i will push her suggestion  
URallAssholes: oberyn wants 2 fuck her, he'll supprot her suggestion, he drags doran.  
URallAssholes: can u get ned and robb?  
FingerfewerHand: Probably.  
URallAssholes: i'll get jaqen and his mystey co-owners  
URallAssholes: how about ren and loras?  
FingerfewerHand: Renly owes me.  
URallAssholes: loras will follow like a screaming little bitch  
URallAssholes: ill get jon and sam  
FingerfewerHand: Brienne, Stannis and me vote for her as well.  
URallAssholes: I  
FingerfewerHand: What?  
URallAssholes: b, stannis and i  
URallAssholes: don't let stanny see that, he'll spank ur naughty bottom  
FingerfewerHand: What makes you think Stannis does the spanking in our relationship?  
URallAssholes: FUCK!!!IMAGES!!! BRAIN BLEACH.  
FingerfewerHand: Tyrion, fuck you gently, with a chainsaw.  
URallAssholes: whutevs, let's go save the league  
FIngerfewerHand: Should we break team?  
URallAssholes: whut the fuck ever

\--

WarriorMaiden: There is nothing wrong with pie, per se, it’s just that I prefer cake.  
Kingslayer: How can you like cake over pie? Cake is all cakey and pie is pie.  
WarriorMaiden: Exactly.  
Kingslayer: So you agree?  
WarriorMaiden: That cake is better than pie?  
Kingslayer: Look, wench, I’m right about this and you’re wrong. 

[SharkReek has joined the conversation.]

SharkReek: Been around the tits, don't speak the language  
But your titties don't need explaining  
All I really need to understand is  
Will you talk titties to me?  
Talk titties to me  
Talk titties to me  
Talk titties to me  
WarriorMaiden: Hey Theon.  
SharkReek: yeah, sweet tits?  
Kingslayer: I am so going to knock your teeth out.  
WarriorMaiden: Cake or pie?  
SharkReek: I kind of like a doughnut.  
WarriorMaiden: Glazed, cream, or fruit filled?  
SharkReek: Fruit.  
Kingslayer: Glazed.  
WarriorMaiden: Glazed.  
Kingslayer: High five?

\--

UKnowUWantMe: I i think i have split ends  
LadyRose: Think or know?  
UKnowUWantMe: shutup, i know  
LadyRose: What have you been doing?  
UKnowUWantMe: my hair is all dry, like briennes  
LadyRose: Did you switch products?  
UKnowUWantMe: i need a new condiitoner, help me  
LadyRose: fine.

\--

Kingslayer: See. It’s a great shirt.  
WarriorMaiden: You have sent me seventeen photos of you in this shirt.  
Kingslayer: Because it’s a great shirt.  
WarriorMaiden: It makes you look like a poor man’s lumberjack.  
Kingslayer: I’m a Lannister. We aren’t a poor man’s anything.  
WarriorMaiden: If you’re going to wear that shirt, AGAIN, you have to carry around an axe.  
WarriorMaiden: And a beaver pelt.  
Kingslayer: Why do you hate my green plaid shirt so much?  
WarriorMaiden: I don’t hate it. I just wonder if you have any other shirts.  
Kingslayer: It’s my (get) lucky shirt.  
WarriorMaiden: Is it working?  
Kingslayer: ….not yet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [CommaSplice](http://archiveofourown.org/users/CommaSplice/pseuds/CommaSplice/works) suggested the Sam/Olenna discussion on the federalist system. It's weak, I know. I'm trying!


	6. Tyrion and Davos Get Shit Done. Tuesday, Part 2.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Peter King writes a weekly NFL column for Sports Illustrated. I hate it. There is a blogspot about PK being an idiot. You do not need to read it. It really does have a "10 Things I Think I Think" (because I'm a waffling indecisive idiot) section.

Kingslayer: It’s perfection.  
WarriorMaiden: One perfect season doesn’t make them the team of the 70s. Clearly it was the Steelers decade.  
Kingslayer: Did you not understand, the 1972 Dolphins had a perfect season, no losses. That moment of perfection makes them the team of the 70s.  
WarriorMaiden: One year of perfection doesn’t change the rest of the decade.  
WarriorMaiden: ‘74, ‘75, ‘78, ‘79. Super Bowl Champions. Team of the decade.  
Kingslayer: It’s like you have some communication issue. Miami Dolphins, perfect season 1972 SB Champs. Team of the decade.  
WarriorMaiden: Fine. Name me 6 players on that team.  
Kingslayer: What?  
WarriorMaiden: Terry Bradshaw, Mean Joe Greene, Franco Harris, Lynn Swann, John Stallworth, Rocky Bleier, Jack Lambert, Jack Hamm, LC Greenwood, Mel Blount and CHUCK NOLL. Steelers of the 70s. That is off the top of my head, without putting in any effort at all. Now without searching, name me six members of the 1972 Dolphins.  
Kingslayer: Bob Griese, Larry Csonka, Mercury Morris, DON SHULA.  
WarriorMaiden: That’s three and the coach.  
Kingslayer: But it was a perfect season.  
WarriorMaiden: Steelers, team of the 70s.

\--

URallAssholes: yo, jaqen  
Unknown: A little man wants attention?  
URallAssholes: fuck, stop talking like a pretentious snotrag for 22 seconds  
Unknown: What do you want, Tyrion?  
URallAssholes: when stan posts on the board that draft order be by random draw, vote for it  
Unknown: A suggestion is good.  
URallAssholes: fuk u  
Unknown: The time had passed.

\--

WarriorMaiden: He’s a stupid and lazy writer.  
Kingslayer: He is the most lauded NFL writer still writing today.  
WarriorMaiden: And speaking of bad writing…^^^^  
WarriorMaiden: Do you actually read his columns? Peter King doesn’t know what he’s talking about half the time.  
Kingslayer: He’s Peter King.  
WarriorMaiden: Stop overpraising a famous name.  
Kingslayer: His Monday Morning Quarterback columns are mandatory reading.  
WarriorMaiden: For whom? People who like butchering the language? Coffee lovers? Beer afficianados?  
Kingslayer: Are you disrespecting beer afficianados?  
WarriorMaiden: I’m disrespecting a writer who writes a section called “10 Things I Think I Think.” What an idiot. Either you think something or you don’t. And all he ever really does is give shout outs to players he likes, states the obvious and tries to sound pretentious.  
Kingslayer: But he’s Peter King.  
WarriorMaiden: *rolls eyes*

\--

WardenWolf: whats up davos?  
FingerfewerHand: The draft order needs to be by random draw, Ned.  
FingerfewerHand: The other realistic suggestions would give Jaime and Tyrion first pick.  
WardenWolf: not mine  
FingerfewerHand: No one is going to vote for that, Ned. You know it.  
IKnowALittleSomething: they have no honor.  
WardenWolf: what are the other suggestions?  
FingerfewerHand: best hair, hardest to kill, most sexual partners,  
WardenWolf: jon has good hair  
FingerfewerHand: Jaime wins at hair. We all know it, no matter what Loras says.  
WardenWolf: how would we even decide ‘hardest to kill’? i mean, i’m pretty hard to kill  
FingerfewerHand: Seriously Ned?  
WardenWolf: i am!  
FingerfewerHand: We are not choosing based on least likely to lose his head.  
WardenWolf: fine. oberyn and tyrion would tie 4 sex partners  
FingerfewerHand: I am afraid Walder might win that one, based on longevity alone. Do we really want to see his list?  
WardenWolf: GODS.  
WardenWolf: robb and I will vote random draw

\--

Kingslayer: Do you have a weak or undersized bladder?  
WarriorMaiden: I cannot believe you’re asking me about this.  
Kingslayer: Answer the question, wench.  
WarriorMaiden: I have a perfectly sufficient bladder. It’s just that when you watch the Red Zone channel on NFL Sunday Ticket, there are no commercial breaks.  
WarriorMaiden: When there are no commercial breaks, there is never time to use the ladies’.  
Kingslayer: You’ll be watching the games at my place, I don’t have a ladies’ room.  
WarriorMaiden: Fine. I was trying to be polite. There is never time to pee.  
Kingslayer: You should just hold it until I tell you that you can go, wench.  
WarriorMaiden: What?  
Kingslayer: Don’t chicks like that? A guy who tells them when they can piss?  
WarriorMaiden: What are you talking about?  
Kingslayer: I saw it on that sitcom, with that guy, who talked to his kids for eight years about their dead mother but not really about their dead mother, really about that chick he met in the first episode who married his best friend who was played by a gay guy and in the end, the kids told him to forget dead mom and bang that other chick?  
WarriorMaiden: That sounds completely idiotic.  
Kingslayer: It had it’s funny parts.  
WarriorMaiden: I’ll pee when I want to.  
Kingslayer: At my place?  
WarriorMaiden: What’s wrong with a sports bar?

\--

URallAssholes: do what i say  
IKnowALittleSomething: y?  
URallAssholes: because ur stupid, but not that stupid, all the other suggestions will fuck u over  
IKnowALittleSomething: i should have suggested last place picks 1st  
URallAssholes: that gives walder 1st pick until he dies  
IKnowALittleSomething: yeah, but it’s fair  
URallAssholes: walder shouldn’t get a bonus 4 being a perennial loser  
IKnowALittleSomething: point  
URallAssholes: supprot random draw  
IKnowALittleSomething: fine

\--

Kingslayer: Booths are more intimate.  
WarriorMaiden: It’s a sports bar. Why would I want to be intimate? A table lets you have your own space.  
Kingslayer: You can’t cuddle at a table.  
WarriorMaiden: I don’t plan on cuddling while watching football.  
Kingslayer: You should try it. You might like it.  
WarriorMaiden: I absolutely prefer a table.  
Kingslayer: I can find uses for tables too, many many uses, but when we go out, we should get a booth.  
WarriorMaiden: Do you have some weird table fetish?

\--

FingerfewerHand: So vote for random draw.  
BeardedStag: Fine. I don’t care really. A good commissioner would have already worked out a method for choosing the draft order.  
FingerfewerHand: Do not start with me, boy.  
FingerfewerHand: Shall I read another passage from your journal?  
BeardedStag: This is like a bad dream.  
FingerfewerHand: The night is dark and full of teen angst.

\--

WarriorMaiden: Nachos.  
Kingslayer: Fried combo, poppers, cheese and french fries.  
WarriorMaiden: Big messy nachos, with grilled chicken and queso.  
Kingslayer: Fried food is a staple of every football Sunday.  
WarrorMaiden: I’m not saying it’s not. I’m saying I prefer nachos.

[SharkReek has joined the conversation.]

SharkReek: I am the man who will fight for your titties  
You’ll be the titties  
I’ve been dreaming of  
Tits live forever  
Knowing titgether that we did tit all  
For the glory of boobs

Kingslayer: You should try it my way, wench.  
Kingslayer: Wait, was that a Peter Cetera love ballad?  
SharkReek: yeah, its a good song  
WarriorMaiden: It’s stupid silly dreck.  
Kingslayer: Reekykins likes love ballads  
SharkReek: shut up, its a good song  
WarriorMaiden: No wonder Marg broke up with you.  
SharkReek: shut up  
Kingslayer: Go listen to some Air Supply.  
WarriorMaiden: Lionel Ritchie.  
Kingslayer: Dan Fogelberg.  
WarriorMaiden: Richard Marx.  
SharkReek: FUCKERS

[SharkReek left the conversation.]

Kingslayer: Brienne?  
WarriorMaiden: Jaime?  
Kingslayer: Fried food.

\--

URallAssholes: it’s done  
FingerfewerHand: There are many who know that without you this league faced certain chaos. No one will give you any honors, the histories won't mention you, but I will not forget.  
URallAssholes: its fantasy football, its not that hard, fuck

\--

**Fantasy Football League Message Board**

CommissionerByRight: Regarding the draft order, Brienne has suggested that we choose random numbers on the day of the draft to determine the order.  
WardenWolf: sound good 2 me  
FertileNonagenarian: whut if i can’t come?  
CommissionerByRight: I, as your commissioner, will draw for anyone unable to be present.  
SexViper: I and my brother support the goddess Brienne’s suggestion. All of her suggestions. All the time.  
Kingslayer: We could do it by number of venereal diseases if you want first pick, Martell?  
SharkKing: its a stupid idea, my suggestion was better  
Unknown: An owner and his co-owners support the suggestion.  
YoungWolf: numbers work  
iluvgilly: brie has good ideas  
IKnowALittleSomething: good 2 me  
TheLastDragon: Why are we giving any weight to her suggestions? She has no family history of fantasy football. She is a USURPER.  
URallAssholes: she can usurp all she wants, tall chick is made of win  
UKnowUWantMe: uslurp?  
Kingslayer: No one wants to hear about your lunch with Renly. I support Brienne.  
BeardedStag: We had sushi. Brienne’s idea is a good one.  
LegitimizeThisBitches: ur the underwire in her bra losinister  
SharkReek: does she even wear one?  
Kingslayer: Make a dentist appointment, boys, you’ll both be missing teeth by the end of the season.  
UKnowUWantMe: whut about my idea?  
URallAssholes: have u seen jaime’s hair lately? the bounce, the shine, ur looking a little dry  
UKnowUWantMe: fuck u.  
UKnowUWantMe: stupid random fucking number then, fuck  
FingerfewerHand: I also support random numbers.  
CommissionerByRight: And with Brienne’s vote, that is enough for the suggestion to carry. The draft order will be chosen by the drawing of random numbers the day of the draft.  
FlayMaster: This is ridiculous, to let a girl, an unknown, carry so much power.  
SexViper: Come now, Rrrroose, the League needs the freshness of a woman.  
UKnowUWantMe: can we not talk abt fem freshness?  
YoungWolf: i get enough of that at home  
SharkReek: marriage dude, worst mistake u ever made  
CommissionerByRight: This topic is closed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The TV show Jaime is referring to is "How I Met Your Mother" which happens pretty much the way Jaime explains it.
> 
> Thanks to [tafkar](http://archiveofourown.org/users/tafkar/pseuds/tafkar) for the suggestion on football food. That's going to carry me through the season!


	7. Showering...Platonically.  Wednesday, Part 1.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The Green Plaid Shirt gets more attention.
> 
> This chapter was inspired by and written for LadyofTarth. Go read [The Rains](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1899288). It's wonderful.

Kingslayer: We should get some dinner after our run.  
WarriorMaiden: Right, sweaty and gross in our sweatpants.  
Kingslayer: I like your sweatpants. A lot. You look good in them.  
WarriorMaiden: That is so weird. Is this a Jon Snow thing?  
Kingslayer: What does EmoBoy have to do with it?  
WarriorMaiden: Never mind.  
Kingslayer: We can come back to my place to change.  
WarriorMaiden: I kind of like to go home and shower.  
Kingslayer: You can shower at my place.  
WarriorMaiden: I should run carrying a bag of my clothes and shampoo and come back to your place and shower?  
Kingslayer: I have clothes you can wear. My green shirt you like so much.  
WarriorMaiden: You do not expect me to wear your lumberjack shirt.  
Kingslayer: You like it. It matches my eyes.  
WarriorMaiden: Whatever.  
Kingslayer: It doesn’t match your eyes though. I should get you a blue plaid shirt so we can match.  
WarriorMaiden: Why would you do that?  
Kingslayer: You have pretty eyes.  
WarriorMaiden: They are rolling right now.  
Kingslayer: You can use my shampoo.  
Kingslayer: And conditioner.  
WarriorMaiden: You use conditioner?  
Kingslayer: You don’t? I have a nice shower.  
WarriorMaiden: It’s weird to invite someone over to use your shower.  
Kingslayer: Is it?  
WarriorMaiden: Isn’t it?

\--

RedHeadedMother: Your pastry will turn out much better if you use apple cider vinegar rather than cold water.  
PinkISPretty: but the recipe says cold water  
RedHeadedMother: Sometimes you have to go off recipe.  
PinkISPretty: i did that once with cupcakes, he didn't like it  
RedHeadedMother: Your husband is not going to like everything you do.  
PinkISPretty: why not?  
RedHeadedMother: It's the way of men.

\--

Kingslayer: Is it weird I invited her to shower at my place?  
URallAssholes: aftr sex?  
Kingslayer: After our run. I haven’t even kissed her. Yet.  
URallAssholes: so u said, ‘hey, brienne come over and shower at my place, platonically?’  
Kingslayer: Kind of.  
URallAssholes: idiot, ask her out  
Kingslayer: I’m trying to go slow.  
URallAssholes: u were going fast b4  
Kingslayer: I have a plan.  
URallAssholes: srsly?  
Kingslayer: ...no. But if I spend enough time with her..  
URallAssholes: she’ll fall at your feet?  
Kingslayer: Something like that.  
URallAssholes: u have no game whatsoever  
Kingslayer: I do too.  
URallAssholes: so stop inviting her 2 shower platonically and kiss her  
Kingslayer: She might punch me.  
Kingslayer: She has such pretty eyes.  
Kingslayer: I dreamed of her that night I met her.  
Kingslayer: She should come over and shower.  
URallAssholes: platonically?  
Kingslayer: SHUT UP.  
URallAssholes: typing in shouty capitals doesnt make u any less lame

\--

LadyRose: Do you want to date him?  
WarriorMaiden: I mean, it’s not really an option.  
LadyRose: Can you just answer the question?  
WarriorMaiden: You know I can’t let myself go there, Marg.  
LadyRose: It’s not platonic.  
WarriorMaiden: I just thought it was a weird.  
LadyRose: Look. We need more input.

[LadyRose has invited KissedByFire to the conversation.]  
[LadyRose has invited IronIslandBattleBabe to the conversation.]  
[LadyRose has invited SexontheSand to the conversation.]

WarriorMaiden: Don’t tell them who.

[SharkReek joined the conversation.]  
[SexontheSand has joined the conversation.]

LadyRose: Fine. I will not tell anyone about you using Lannister’s shower.  
SharkReek: I think that I shall never get  
A poem lovely as a tit.  
A tit whose wet nipple is prest  
Against the earth’s sweet flowing breast!  
SharkReek: lannister showers what?

[KissedByFire has joined the conversation.]  
[IronIslandBattleBabe has the conversation.]

SharkReek: soapy tits n the shower?  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: Theon, you cannot talk about tits when I’m present.  
LadyRose: Get out, Theon.  
SharkReek: FINE

[SharkReek has left the conversation.]

KissedByFire: What’s up?  
LadyRose: Give them the question of the day.  
WarriorMaiden: *sigh*  
WarriorMaiden: Is it or is it not weird for a man to invite you to use his shower?  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: Is your water heater out?  
KissedByFire: Is your bathroom being remodeled?  
WarriorMaiden: No and no.  
LadyRose: If a guy invites you over to use his shower before taking you out to dinner?  
WarriorMaiden: After a workout, say.  
SexontheSand: A sexual workout?  
WarriorMaiden: No, just a run.  
KissedByFire: Are you fucking him?  
WarriorMaiden: NO. Gods. NO.  
LadyRose: Not yet.  
WarriorMaiden: Shut up. It’s totally platonic.  
SexontheSand: So you will stand nude in a man’s bathroom, step into his shower, soap your womanly body with a cloth he has used on his own chest, arms, legs and cock, lather your hair with his shampoo so you smell of him, dry yourself off with a towel that has caressed his body while he waits outside, imagining your slick wet skin and yet you will not fuck him?  
WarriorMaiden: Uhm. Conditioner too.  
KissedByFire: Using a man’s shower isn’t platonic.  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: Ell, you make it sound so hot. It’s practically having sex.  
LadyRose: He uses conditioner?  
KissedByFire: Jon uses conditioner.  
SexontheSand: Oberyn and I shower as one. And use conditioner.  
WarriorMaiden: Okay. So we are agreed that it’s weird.  
LadyRose: We are agreed that it’s not platonic.

\--

CommissionerByRight: It is not a great piece of literature.  
BeenThereDoneThatQueen: Yes, it is. Kurt Vonnegut was brilliant writer.  
BeenThereDoneThatQueen: Although only an adequate lover.  
CommissionerByRight: I am far from interested in the peccadilloes of your youth. However, Slaughterhouse-Five is a literary mess. The language is simplistic yet nonsensical. The sentences are short and declarative, no complexities whatsoever. The timeline is inscrutable. The narration defines unreliable.  
BeenThereDoneThatQueen: You have no poetry in your soul.  
CommissionerByRight: I’ll not dignify that with an answer. For fictional literature, I suggest Jane Austen.  
BeenThereDoneThatQueen: Bit of a prig, wasn’t she?  
CommissionerByRight: She wrote her characters appropriate to the time.  
BeenThereDoneThatQueen: Darcy would have done a lot better tearing open Elizabeth’s dress and kissing her with passion instead of his halting and insulting first proposal.  
CommissionerByRight: His proposal was designed to show his pride, hence the name of the book. It was not a “bodice-ripper.”  
BeenThereDoneThatQueen: Don’t be looking down that aristocratic nose of yours at bodice-rippers, Stannis Baratheon. I happen to know you’re a romantic. We should ask Davos.  
CommissionerByRight: We should not.  
BeenThereDoneThatQueen: Colin Firth was so sexy in that adaptation.  
CommissionerByRight: On that, we can agree.

\--

Kingslayer: You should just move closer.  
WarriorMaiden: I can’t afford your neighborhood.  
Kingslayer: They don’t pay you enough.  
WarriorMaiden: I’ll work my way up. Some of us don’t start at the top.  
Kingslayer: I’m good at what I do.  
WarriorMaiden: And what is it that you do?  
Kingslayer: Be charming.  
WarriorMaiden: Like a prince.  
Kingslayer: Exactly like a prince.  
Kingslayer: Wait, was that not a compliment?  
WarriorMaiden: I forgot to turn on my sarcastic font.  
Kingslayer: Come on. I could just use your shower?  
WarriorMaiden: That’s even weirder. You wouldn’t like my shampoo.  
Kingslayer: How do you know? 

[SharkReek has joined the conversation.]

WarriorMaiden: Because it smells girly.  
SharkReek: In Titty Lane there is a barber showing photographs  
Of every tit he's had the pleasure to have known  
And all the titties that come and go  
Stop and say hello  
SharkReek: whut smells gurly?  
Kingslayer: Your ass ‘cause Ramsay likes it that way.  
SharkReek: whutevs.  
SharkReek: tits

[SharkReek has left the conversation.]

Kingslayer: I can pull off smelling girly. I’m Jaime Lannister. I can pull off anything.  
WarriorMaiden: Sure you can. The way you pull off that green plaid shirt.  
Kingslayer: You’re obsessed with my shirt.  
WarriorMaiden: No, I’m not.  
Kingslayer: r2r2r2r2r2r2r2  
WarriorMaiden: D2?  
Kingslayer: Aren’t you a little short for a stormtrooper?  
WarriorMaiden: No, that’s Tyrion.  
Kingslayer: Nice burn and he’s not even here.  
WarriorMaiden: *bows*  
Kingslayer: You’d make a great stormtrooper though.  
WarriorMaiden: Get in there, you big furry oaf! I don't care what you smell!  
Kingslayer: I smell your girly shampoo.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SHOUTY CAPITAL SHOUT OUT TO CLOTHILDE FOR SHOUTY CAPITALS.
> 
> Shout out to [CommaSplice](http://archiveofourown.org/users/CommaSplice/works) to knowing Stannis's tastes in literature.


	8. The Liberator.  Wednesday, Part 2.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Do NOT, under any circumstances, look up The Liberator at work.
> 
> For details without searching, it's basically a wedge pillow that you can use in various sexual positions. It helps with balance and back issues and awkward angles. As far as sex furniture goes, it's on the mild end.

WarriorMaiden: No. Seriously. I have to actually work for an hour.  
Kingslayer: A whole hour?  
WarriorMaiden: Yes, a whole hour of work. Or, you know, maybe two.   
Kingslayer: I’ll give you 90 minutes. Tops.  
WarriorMaiden: You’re not my boss.  
Kingslayer: I am so the boss of you.  
WarriorMaiden: Shut up.  
Kingslayer: Make me.  
WarriorMaiden: I have to go.  
Kingslayer: This is so mean. I might have a thought I need to share.  
WarriorMaiden: I’ll be online. I just won’t be chatting.  
Kingslayer: Not fair, wench.  
WarriorMaiden: System Message: WarriorMaiden is away from her desk.

\--

KissedByFire: You can send me your dick pic.  
URallAssholes: y would i do that, my saucy ginger?  
KissedByFire: You’re pissed at Jon.  
URallAssholes: since when?  
KissedByFire: Since he is telling everyone you’re banging Brienne and he has a tape of it.  
URallAssholes: gods, he’s an idiot, how do u stand it?  
KissedByFire: He does know something. Send me your dick pic.  
URallAssholes: u’d fall for me, but what satisfaction will I get from u looking at my cock?  
KissedByFire: I dinna know. Is it worth looking at?  
URallAssholes: of course, my red-headed strumpet. y r u mad at Jon?  
KissedByFire: Why wouldn’t I be?  
URallAssholes: good point, still not sending u my dick pic  
KissedByFire: I’ll get it from Brienne.

\--

Kingslayer: We haven’t even talked about Goodfellas.  
WarriorMaiden: System Message: WarriorMaiden is away from her desk.

\--

IKnowALittleSomething: i dont c the attraction  
LegitimizeThisBitches: vampire chicks r hot

[SharkReek has joined the conversation.]

IKnowALittleSomething: but k-stew isn’t the vampire and she look slike she needs a shower  
SharkReek: briene is showring with tyrion  
IKnowALittleSomething: what?  
LegitimizeThisBitches: WHAT?  
IKnowALittleSomething: does he have a shelf n there or somethign?  
LegitimizeThisBitches: how do u know this?  
SharkReek: she and marg were talking bout it  
LegitimizeThisBitches: how did i not know this?  
IKnowALittleSomething: ur an idiot?  
SharkReek: i dunno, im just wondering how it works  
IKnowALittleSomething: lets ask the xpert

[IKnowALittleSomething has invited SexViper to the conversation.]

SexViper: Yes?  
IKnowALittleSomething: so...tall brienne and short tyrion, how does it work?  
SexViper: The goddess Brienne and the little Lannester? The threesome?  
LegitimizeThisBitches: 3some? what 3some?  
IKnowALittleSomething: lets start w the regular  
SharkReek: how wud they do it?  
SexViper: The easy comfort of missionary would provide pleasure for both and he could worship her breasts with his mouth.  
SharkReek: shes got small tits  
SexViper: In consideration of the height differences, positioning may be difficult, but certainly not impossible. It would be best to use a pillow or a Liberator.  
LegitimizeThisBitches: a wut?  
SexViper: The Liberator. Search for it. Ellaria and I have one. It is most intriguing.  
IKnowALittleSomething: …  
LegitimizeThisBitches: ….?  
SharkReek: …!!@!@!!@!@!!@!!@!  
SharkReek: 7 fukin hells, y did i not know about that?  
SexViper: Jon Snow disease?

\--

Kingslayer: Or pink lemonade vs yellow lemonade.  
WarriorMaiden: System Message: WarriorMaiden is away from her desk.

\--

BeardedStag: It’s not that bad.  
UKnowUWantMe: yes it IS  
BeardedStag: You just need to moisturize it.  
UKnowUWantMe: I TRIED  
BeardedStag: Hot oil treatment?  
UKnowUWantMe: whut if I just have old hair?  
BeardedStag: I’ll still love you.  
UKnowUWantMe: im turning into an old bald guy  
BeardedStag: It’ll be all right baby, I promise. Let’s cuddle tonight.  
UKnowUWantMe: u cant touch my hair

\--

Kingslayer: What kind of music do you like?  
WarriorMaiden: System Message: WarriorMaiden is away from her desk.  
WarriorMaiden: System Message: WarriorMaiden has returned.  
WarriorMaiden: Yes to Goodfellas, pink lemonade, Springsteen, classic rock and some occasional death metal.  
WarriorMaiden: Jaime?  
WarriorMaiden: Jaime?  
WarriorMaiden: Jaime?  
WarriorMaiden: …Did you log off?

[WarriorMaiden has left the conversation.]

\--

KissedByFire: You want to buy a what?  
IKnowALittleSomething: its like a wedge pillow, 4 sex  
IKnowALittleSomething: tyrion has 1

[KissedByFire has invited URallAssholes to the conversation.]

URallAssholes: ygritte, my little minx, throwing over jon 4 me?  
IKnowALittleSomething: fuk no  
KissedByFire: What is this wedge?  
URallAssholes: what?  
IKnowALittleSomething: that pillow thing u use when u fuck Brienne?   
URallAssholes: wtf?

[URallAssholes has invited WarriorMaiden to the conversation.]  
[WarriorMaiden has joined the conversation.]

WarriorMaiden: What’s up Tyrion?   
IKnowALittleSomething: his cock?  
URallAssholes: do u know what the fuck these people r on about?  
KissedByFire: Do you like using this wedge thing?   
WarriorMaiden: What wedge thing?  
[IKnowALittleSomething: the wedge thing u and tyrion use?  
URallAssholes: no fuckin clue  
KissedByFire: The Liberator. Just looked it up. Is it fun?  
URallAssholes: oh, that. i do have one  
IKnowALittleSomething: does it work?  
URallAssholes: easier on my back  
IKnowALittleSomething: so, u and brie eh?  
URallAssholes: u really know nothing  
WarriorMaiden: For the love of all that is holy, do not make me look up things like that when I’m at work!  
KissedByFire: Do you like the sex wedge?

[Kingslayer has joined the conversation.]

Kingslayer: Hey, wench, I step away for five minutes and you abandon me.  
WarriorMaiden: I have never had sex on a sex wedge. I wouldn’t even know what to do.  
IKnowALittleSomething: there r pics and drawings  
KissedByFire: You and Tyrion can make a video.  
URallAssholes: 4 jon’s collection?  
Kingslayer: Wait. What? What’s a sex wedge? What video?  
WarriorMaiden: I cannot cope. Tyrion fix this.

[WarriorMaiden has left the conversation.]

URallAssholes: i cant fix stupid  
Kingslayer: BRIENNE...WAIT

[URallAssholes has left the conversation.]  
[Kingslayer has left the conversation.]

IKnowALittleSomething: wedge explains the regular, but n the shower?   
SexViper: I will need to consider.

\--

YoungWolf: have i met him  
Needler: y would u meet him  
YoungWolf: ur my little sister  
Neelder: so?  
YoungWolf: its my job 2 scare off ur dates  
Neelder: its not a date  
YoungWolf: ur 2 young 2 date  
Neelder: it’s not a date  
YoungWolf: has dad met him?  
Needler: y would dad meet him?  
YoungWolf: ur 13 he wont let u date  
Needler: it’s NOT A DATE  
YoungWolf: sansa said it’s a date  
Needler: she’s an idiot  
YoungWolf: hes taking u 2 a dance  
Needler: we r riding 2 the dance 2gether  
YoungWolf: i should chaperone so ur date doesn’t get ideas  
Neelder: it’s NOT A DATE

[Needler has invited WarriorMaiden to the conversation.]  
[WarriorMaiden has joined the conversation.]

WarriorMaiden: You need something?  
Needler: tell robb i can hang out w a boy and its not a date  
WarriorMaiden: What makes you think it’s a date?  
YoungWolf: he asked her 2 the dance  
Needler: he asked if I wanted a ride 2 the dance  
WarriorMaiden: Two people can hang out just as friends, Robb.  
Needer: SEE? SEE?  
YoungWolf: whatver brienne, u and a certain team owner?  
WarriorMaiden: We’re just friends.  
YoungWolf: dad or i need 2 meet him  
Needler: Sansa is hanging out w the hound  
YoungWolf: WTH???? She’s 17!  
YoungWolf: Arya r u lying 2 me?  
Needler: nope, she’s volunteering @ his rehab hospital  
YoungWolf: does dad know?  
Needler: u should tell him

[YoungWolf has left the conversation.]

WarriorMaiden: Throwing your sister under the bus like that is mean, Arya.  
Needler: whutevs, shes the 1 saying i have a date  
WarriorMaiden: Are you dating?  
Needler: *shrug*  
WarriorMaiden: That’s not an answer.  
Needler: i can beat him up  
WarriorMaiden: Good.  
Needler: don’t tell mom.  
WarriorMaiden: Don’t do anything stupid.  
Needler: r u dating tyrion?  
WarriorMaiden: No. I’m not dating anyone.  
Needler: boys r gross  
WarriorMaiden: Not all boys…  
Needler: ur right, not all boys  
WarriorMaiden: Tell me his name?  
Needler: u tell me first  
WarriorMaiden: Nothing to tell. It’s a lost cause I kind of blew it.  
Needler: sux  
WarriorMaiden: It’s okay. We’re good friends now.  
Needler: :) how is fantasy football?  
WarriorMaiden: They are all pretty much idiots.  
Needler: thats whut mom sez she wants u 2 win the league  
WarriorMaiden: I didn’t know your mom cared about fantasy football?  
Needler: uh...gtg

[Needler has left the conversation.]  
[Kingslayer has joined the conversation.]

Kingslayer: Stop running away from me.  
WarriorMaiden: Arya wanted to talk.  
Kingslayer: Who?  
WarriorMaiden: Arya Stark. Ned’s youngest daughter.  
Kingslayer: Ned has daughters?  
WarriorMaidne: Arya is 13 and Sansa is almost 18.  
Kingslayer: Really?   
WarriorMaiden: *rolls eyes* Anyway.  
Kingslayer: How was work?  
WarriorMaiden: I’m still at it.  
Kingslayer: You work too hard.  
WarriorMaiden: Seriously?  
Kingslayer: So….sex wedge? *raises eyebrow*  
WarriorMaiden: Put your eyebrow down. Those people are all idiots.  
Kingslayer: I thought it looked interesting.  
WarriorMaiden: I thought it looked like something I should not be looking up at work.  
Kingslayer: We can talk about it on our run later.  
WarriorMaiden: Or not.  
Kingslayer: Not run????  
WarriorMaiden: Yes run. No talking about it.   
Kingslayer: Yes, yes.  
WarriorMaiden: Yes, no.  
Kingslayer: Yes, yes.  
WarriorMaiden: Yes, no.


	9. Bathmats, Skinny Jeans, Leather Pants and Lingerie.  Thursday, Part 1.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There are somethings you should not click on or search at work today. Sorry.
> 
> This you can check at work. It is the Viktor and Rolf Couture collection. Of bathmats. Seriously.  
> [Viktor and Rolf](http://www.thefamelife.com/content/1482)
> 
>  
> 
> This is the article about [Brett Favre's Penis](http://blogs.citypages.com/blotter/2010/10/brett_favres_penis.php). On the second page of the article, you can actually see the photos. Do not look at them. They are awful. However, in the first photo, he appears to be wearing a pair of tan-colored Crocs.  
> 

Kingslayer: Chicken?  
WarriorMaiden: Yes.  
Kingslayer: Because we can do the chili kind, or the shredded pork kind.  
WarriorMaiden: Those are fine too, but I prefer chicken.  
Kingslayer: Chips?  
WarriorMaiden: I kind of like blue corn.  
Kingslayer: Got it. Cheese preference?  
WarriorMaiden: Why are will still talking about this?  
Kingslayer: I want to make sure we have the right food.

[SharkReek has joined the conversation.]

SharkReek: Titties are soft,  
But thou hast none.  
Muscles are fine  
But not nearly as fun!

WarriorMaiden: I’ll eat almost anything. I’m not a picky girl.  
SharkReek: whut?  
Kingslayer: I know. You have a healthy appetite.  
SharkReek: ru talkin bjs?  
WarriorMaiden: That was Tyrion’s fault, you know. That I did that.  
Kingslayer: Go away Theon. We are talking about food.  
WarriorMaiden: I think Ellaria was videochatting while she was getting dressed.  
SharkReek: FUCK

[SharkReek has left the conversation.]

WarriorMaiden: He’s like a dog. Throw a naked boob his direction and he chases after it.  
Kingslayer: I’m little more picky about that…  
WarriorMaiden: Nachos?  
Kingslayer: You and Tyrion?  
Kingslayer: He made you eat food off my plate?  
WarriorMaiden: No. Whatever. I’m sorry about that. I wish I’d done it differently.  
Kingslayer: Used a spoon instead of a fork?  
WarriorMaiden: So I’m forgiven?  
Kingslayer: You can steal my food anytime.  
WarriorMaiden: Thanks.  
Kingslayer: I’ll make sure we have nachos.  
WarriorMaiden: Wings are good too.  
Kingslayer: Hot? Mild?  
WarriorMaiden: Doesn’t matter. A wing is a wing.  
Kingslayer: SEVEN HELLS WOMAN. A WING IS MOSTLY CERTAINLY NOT A WING.

\--

iuvgilly: it looks like a bathmat  
PerfectPrincess: this is the runway version  
iluvgilly: they all look like they are wearing bathmats  
iluvgilly: tied in knots  
PerfectPrincess: SAM, it’s the RUNWAY version  
iluvgilly: y would u wear a bathmat?  
PerfectPrincess: *rolls eyes*  
PerfectPrincess: Designers make runway versions of their collections and show them at Fashion Week. Then you get a simpler version for sale. Looking at the runway version just makes you want to buy the simpler version.  
iluvgilly: how do u make a bathmat simpler?  
PerfectPrincess: I don’t know yet  
iluvgilly: y not show the pretty version so people will want to buy the pretty dress?  
PerfectPrincess: because it’s Viktor & Rolf. it’s FASHION.  
iluvgilly: im not fashionable  
iluvgilly: should i ask gilly 2b my gf?

\--

Kingslayer: Drums are better. Sauces, not rubs.  
WarriorMaiden: Whatever. It’s bar food. I’ll eat it. You don’t have to please me.  
Kingslayer: I want to please you.  
Kingslayer: I’d be happy to please you.  
Kingslayer: Whatever you want.  
WarriorMaiden: Do you have special food for everyone?  
Kingslayer: ...No.  
WarriorMaiden: Just have beer.  
Kingslayer: What kind of beer?  
WarriorMaiden: If I say I’m not picky are you going to go all ballistic again?  
Kingslayer: Maybe.

\--

SharkReek: we need other opinions  
IKnowALittleSomething: men or women?  
LegitimizeThisBitches: Both.

[SharkReek sends a global invite to the conversation.]  
[WarriorMaiden has joined the conversation.]  
[URallAssholes has joined the conversation.]  
[SexViper has joined the conversation.]  
[Kingslayer has joined the conversation.]  
[KissedByFire has joined the conversation.]  
[UKnowUWantMe has joined the conversation.]  
[LadyRose has joined the conversation.]  
[FlayMaster has joined the conversation.]  
[BAMFLannister has joined the conversation.]  
[FertileNonagenarian has joined the conversation.]  
[SexontheSand has joined the conversation.]  
[BeardedStag has joined the conversation.]  
[FingerfewerHand has joined the conversation.]

SharkReek: which r hotter, leather pants or skinny jeans?  
BAMFLannister: Good gods.

[BAMFLannister has left the conversation.]

UKnowUWantMe: leather pants cause ball sweat, wear chaps instead  
BeardedStag: Skinny jeans are fine to go out in.  
UKnowUWantMe: no wearing pants w chaps.  
BeardedStag: Like last New Years.  
LadyRose: I do not need to think about my brother’s naked ass.  
WarriorMaiden: I did not need to know about that sweat thing.  
KissedByFire: Jon has leather pants. He doesna sweat because it’s cold.  
FertileNonagenarian: wut r skinny jeans?  
SexViper: I have leather pants.  
SexontheSand: As do I.  
SharkReek: wuts wrong w skinny jeans?  
Kingslayer: Which do you think is hotter, Brienne?  
FlayMaster: Clearly leather pants would provide more warmth and wearing a second skin can be pleasing. Leather garments are always appropriate. As are furs.  
URallAssholes: y do u care, dickreek?  
LadyRose: Are you back on this skinny jeans thing, Theon?  
SharkReek: i lookd good in them  
LegitimizeThisBitches: i look better n leather pants  
Kingslayer: You two are having a fashion fight?  
URallAssholes: i wouldnt fuck either of u, with walder’s dick  
FertileNonagenarian: whut? im gettin laid?  
FingerfewerHand: I once bought Stannis leather pants.  
BeardedStag: GODS.  
WarriorMaiden: I have absolutely nothing to say on this issue.

[BeardedStag has left the conversation.]  
[UKnowUWantMe has left the conversation.]  
[WarriorMaiden has left the conversation.]

Kingslayer: Wench, wait up!

[Kingslayer has left the conversation.]

URallAssholes: fuck u all

[URallAssholes has left the conversation.]

KissedByFire: Jon could pull off skinny jeans.  
LegitimizeThisBitches: pull them off u?  
KissedByFire: If he likes.

\--

UKnowUWantMe: dnt tell me he uses conditioner and then not say wht kind  
LadyRose: I don’t know what kind.  
UKnowUWantMe: i used tea tree oil on my hair and it dried out  
LadyRose: I thought you were only supposed to use that once per week?  
UKnowUWantMe: i thgt it wud be fine 2 use evry day  
LadyRose: Why is this my problem?  
UKnowUWantMe: come ON. find out what conditioner jaime uses  
LadyRose: Jaime does have great hair. Let’s just ask him.

[LadyRose has invited Kingslayer to the conversation.]

UKnowUWantMe: do NOT tell him i have dry hair

[Kingslayer has joined the conversation.]

LadyRose: *rolls eyes*  
Kingslayer: ‘Sup Tyrell Ladies?  
UKnowUWantMe: fuk off jaime  
Kingslayer: Sand in your vagina today?  
UKnowUWantMe: hows that premature ejac problem?  
LadyRose: Jaime. What kind of shampoo and conditioner do you use?  
Kingslayer: What? Why?  
LadyRose: I’m asking for Brienne.  
Kingslayer: She wants to know about my shampoo?  
LadyRose: And conditioner.  
UKnowUWantMe: stupid cow nvr used conditiner in her life  
Kingslayer: Shut the fuck up, ass bandit.  
UKnowUWantMe: u say that like being gay is bad  
Kingslayer: Fine. How’s that acne scarring?  
UKnowUWantMe: SHUT THE FUCK UP  
LadyRose: Focus boys. Focus.  
Kingslayer: I’ll get whatever shampoo and conditioner she wants.  
LadyRose: No...what do you use?  
Kingslayer: She wants to know what I use?  
UKnowUWantMe: she thnks ur hair smells good  
Kingslayer: She does?

[Kingslayer has left the conversation.]

UKnowUWanMe: no info, find OUT  
LadyRose: Jaime has a premature ejaculation issue?

\--

URallAssholes: thx 4 taking jaime off my hands  
WarriorMaiden: Do not start on this again.  
URallAssholes: he likes u, thinks u have pretty eyes  
WarriorMaiden: My eyes are rolling right now. We’re just friends.  
URallAssholes: gods ur stupid  
WarriorMaiden: No I’m not. You know what’s stupid?  
URallAssholes: jon snow?  
WarriorMaiden: Sending a dick pic to your massage therapist.  
URallAssholes: heh while wearing crocs (nice subject change, btw)  
WarriorMaiden: I try.

[YoungWolf has joined the conversation.]

URallAssholes: real men don't wear Crocs, and they don't wear Crocs in their dick pics  
WarriorMaiden: Noted!  
YoungWolf: uh what?

[Kingslayer has joined the conversation.]

YoungWolf: r u an expert in dick pics?  
URallAssholes: i try not 2 look at dick pics  
WarriorMaiden: Especially when the man is wearing Crocs.  
Kingslayer: What?  
Kingslayer: Who wears Crocs?  
WarriorMaiden: Don't worry about it. Tyrion and I are just joking.  
URallAssholes: yeah jaime, don't worry ur pretty little head about it  
YoungWolf: his LITTLE head?  
WarriorMaiden: Work. I have to go.  
Kingslayer: I washed my hair this morning.  
WarriorMaiden: Good?

[WarriorMaiden has left the conversation.]

YoungWolf: having a bathing problem, j-blo?  
Kingslayer: I just have good hair. How’s the pubic dandruff?  
YoungWolf: screw u

\--

SharkReek: come on, i lost the one u sent me  
LadyRose: Not my problem.  
SharkReek: i jacked off to ur tit pic all the time  
LadyRose: Am I supposed to be flattered?  
SharkReek: u had the most fun funbags  
LadyRose: Funbags?  
SharkReek: knockers jugs milkers  
LadyRose: You should have stopped at funbags.

[SexontheSand has joined the conversation.]

SharkReek: PLEASE? my spank bank is overdrawn  
LadyRose: Why did I ever dump you?

[LadyRose has left the conversation.]

SexontheSand: Spank bank? What is spank bank?

[PinkISPretty has joined the conversation.]

PinkISPretty: is anyone here?  
SharkReek: tits!!1  
PinkISPretty: I NEED 2 TALK 2 SOMEONE ABOUT PERIODS

[SharkReek has left the conversation.]

PinkISPretty: Ellaria?  
SexontheSand: Are you having a problem with your woman’s flower?  
PinkISPretty: No, i said that to make theon leave  
PinkISPretty: i need some advice on lingerie  
SexontheSand: I prefer lovemaking in the nude, but also have a collection of some racy little pieces just to mix some up.  
PinkISPretty: That’s the thing, i have some, but Roose doesn’t seem to notice  
PinkISPretty: I put them on and he doesn’t even really look  
PinkISPretty: He just, u know. the same as every time, it’s great but itd be nice if he paid attn to what i had on  
SexontheSand: Are you satisfied with your husband’s lovemaking? Is he satisfying you as only a man can?  
PinkISPretty: I thought u swung both ways  
SexontheSand: I said “as only a man can.” There are also ways that only a woman …  
PinkISPretty: Well, anyway, so … maybe i need some new stuff  
PinkISPretty: i’m going shopping tomorrow. any ideas?  
SexontheSand: Do you own some babydolls in various shades of pink? Trimmed with maribou and lace? Mesh overlay on the bodice? Matching panties with a ruffle?  
PinkISPretty: Yes!! I have at least 4 of those what do u think, i should wear one? maybe change the undies up?  
SexontheSand: Take them all and put them in the back of the drawer.  
SexontheSand: Buy something in black. Leather. Your husband likes leather. Let it direct him to your woman’s garden so that your man cannot help but follow with his eyes and his hands and, later, his tongue …  
PinkISPretty: i’m not sure i’d look good in that, ell  
SexontheSand: I promise he will not be able to tear his eyes from you. He will devour you limb from limb like a coyote in heat. He will suck the very flesh from your womanhood and make you cry out in ecstasy.  
PinkISPretty: looking at websites now  
PinkISPretty: what do you think about frederick’s  
PinkISPretty: ell?

[SexontheSand has left the conversation.]

\--

iluvgilly: u think I shud ask her?  
Bronn4Sale: fuck if I know  
URallAssholes: yes sam, ask gilly 2 b ur girlfriend

[Kingslayer has joined the conversation.]

iluvgilly: jaime could u ask her 4 me, ur good w women  
URallAssholes: hahahaa, jaime is made of fail w women, it’s y he needs me  
Kingslayer: Ask who what?  
Bronn4Sale: sam wants u to pass gilly a note and ask her 2b his gf  
Kingslayer: Why me?  
URallAssholes: he thinks ur good w women  
Bronn4Sale: ahahaha  
Kingslayer: I am good with women.  
Kingslayer: I’m going to ask one out right now.

\--

 

Kingslayer: I’m on your side of town. Lunch?

[SharkReek has joined the conversation.]

SharkReek: A few stolen titties is all that we share  
You've got your titties, and they need tits there  
Though I've tried to resist, being last on your tits  
But no other tits gonna do  
So I'm saving all my titties for you  
WarriorMaiden: Is that a Whitney Houston song?  
SharkReek: Tits?  
Kingslayer: Gods, you’re an asshole. Lunch?  
WarriorMaiden: I was going to head over to the enchilada place.  
Kingslayer: Great. I’ll meet you there, in an thirty minutes?  
WarriorMaiden: I’m buying.  
Kingslayer: You going to eat off my plate?  
WarriorMaiden: You wearing that green plaid shirt?  
Kingslayer: No. Want me to go home and change into it?  
WarriorMaiden: You can save your lucky shirt for a night out.  
Kingslayer: I’m wearing a white one with red embroidery. Maybe it’ll be lucky?  
SharkReek: TITS?  
WarriorMaiden: See you there.

[BeardedStag has joined the conversation.]

SharkReek: tittyfuck?  
WarriorMaiden: *sighs*

[WarriorMaiden has left the conversation.]

Kingslayer: You’re such a twat.

[Kingslayer has left the conversation.]

BeardedStag: What the hell is a tittyfuck?  
SharkReek: Check it out on pornhub.  
BeardedStag: …  
BeardedStag: Never again will I search something based on your recommendation.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The amazing [Vana](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Vana/pseuds/Vana/works) wrote the Ellaria and Walda exchange. Thank you thank you!
> 
> And as always, thanks to InkandType for her Theon. If you haven't read her [Deaths of PetyrBaelish](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1998951/chapters/4331199), please, do so NOW.
> 
> If you searched on pornhub at work, I can't help you. It's called pornhub. What were you thinking???


	10. Candy Licker.  Thursday, Part 2.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is a gift to the amazing [MotherofFirkins](http://archiveofourown.org/works/search?utf8=%E2%9C%93&work_search%5Bquery%5D=motheroffirkins) and her wonderul series, [Candy Licker Series](http://archiveofourown.org/series/84988).
> 
> If you are unfamiliar with the song, it's ten minutes of a man singing about how he enjoys performing oral sex on a woman and how much he's going to make sure she likes it. (That sounds so lame.) Really though, read [MotherofFirkins](http://archiveofourown.org/works/search?utf8=%E2%9C%93&work_search%5Bquery%5D=motheroffirkins)'s work. And listen to the song.
> 
> Uh uh uh.

URallAssholes: how was your nooner?  
Kingslayer: I did not have a nooner.  
Kingslayer: Unfortunately.  
URallAssholes: u took a 2 hour lunch?  
Kingslayer: She works too far away. The lunch part was only an hour.  
Kingslayer: Maybe an hour and fifteen. Then I had to go change shirts.  
URallAssholes: ?  
Kingslayer: She flipped enchilada sauce at me.  
URallAssholes: y?  
Kingslayer: I was eating off her plate.  
URallAssholes: u seriously have no game  
Kingslayer: It’s your fault.  
URallAssholes: that i have all the game in the family?  
Kingslayer: Shut up.

\--

PinkISPretty: pink, brown or black?  
FlayMaster: Are we discussing the color of tonight’s main course?  
PinkISPretty: no. Which color do u like best?  
FlayMaster: Little wife, I’m working.  
PinkISPretty: i could get it in red too?  
FlayMaster: Whatever “it” is, get it in whatever color you like.  
PinkISPretty: OKAY!

\--

WarriorMaiden: I’m turning on Born to Run.  
LadyRose: I know. I know. It’s your favorite song.  
WarriorMaiden: I love Springsteen. I love this song. It makes my day better.  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: Nothing wrong with Springsteen, but THIS makes my day.  
LadyRose: We need to share this glorious song.  
WarriorMaiden: No. We don’t.

[LadyRose has invited URallAssholes to the conversation.]  
[IronIslandsBattleBabe has invited Bronn4Sale to the conversation.]

URallAssholes: ladies?  
Bronn4Sale: hey yarsha, sup girl?  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: Do you practice that line?  
URallAssholes: yes, yes he does  
Bronn4Sale: fuk u  
LadyRose: You have got to see this.  
WarriorMaiden: No you don't, you should leave now.  
SexontheSand: I like it, very much. As does Oberyn.  
URallAssholes: like what?  
LadyRose: THIS  
LadyRose: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9-8tiFIVlDM  
WarriorMaiden: Don't click the link.  
URallAssholes: ...  
Bronn4Sale: ???  
URallAssholes: ...  
URallAssholes: THIS IS FANTASTIC

[KissedByFire has joined the conversation.]

KissedByFire: What are we talking today?  
Bronn4Sale: candylicker?  
KissedByFire: Oh yeah. Jon's theme song. Uh uh uh.  
URallAssholes: so u keep saying, try me out girl  
KissedByFire: uh uh uh  
Bronn4Sale: how long is this?  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: As long as you can keep it up.  
Bronn4Sale: come find out  
LadyRose: We listen to this and dance in our seats.  
WarriorMaiden: I don't.

[SharkReek has joined the conversation.]

SharkReek: TITTAYS.  
WarriorMaiden: Candy Licker and Theon. I'm out.

[WarriorMaiden has left the conversation.]

SharkReek: candylickr?  
LadyRose: You don't know anything about that.  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: He's my brother, you know.  
URallAssholes: this song is still going on  
LadyRose: It's Brienne's favorite song.  
KissedByFire: Uh uh uh.  
Bronn4Sale: i luv womens lib

\--

RedHeadedMother: At least Roose won't be coming. He and Walda have plans.  
WardenWolf: You're really great for doing this, Cat. Really great.  
WardenWolf: You are the best wife ever.  
WardenWolf: I told Roose that Ramsay would have to stay elsewhere.  
WardenWolf: We can go to that craft show next week.  
WardenWolf: I’ll put in a water feature in the back yard.  
WardenWolf: You’re more beautiful than the day we married.  
RedHeadedMother: You are NOT forgiven.

\--

IKnowALittleSomething: ygritte says it's my theme song

[Kingslayer has joined the conversation.]

IKnowALittleSomething: i hear it's brienne's favorite song  
Kingslayer: What is?  
YoungWolf: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9-8tiFIVlDM  
Kingslayer: Thanks. I'll listen to it later.  
YoungWolf: best if u listen 2 it loud  
IKnowALittleSomething: in public  
Kingslayer: Will do. So I have a question.  
Kingslayer: What if a woman is wearing both a sportsbra and sweatpants?  
IKnowALittlesomething: listen 2 the song dude, listen 2 the song  
YoungWolf: it explains all  
Kingslayer: In a meeting right now. Will do it later.

[Kingslayer has left the conversation.]

YoungWolf: i would pay 2 see his face

\--

FertileNonagenarian: if ur not goin im not goin  
FlayMaster: We have plans.  
LegitimizeThisBitches: a progressive bloc party  
FertileNonagenarian: fuk?  
FlayMaster: Shut up, Ramsay.  
LegitimizeThisBitches: u can trust me 2 draft 4 us  
FlayMaster: Do not disappoint me.  
FlayMaster: Ned says Catelyn has no room to put you up.  
LegitimizeThisBitches: thx gods, starks r lame  
FlayMaster: The Starks are an old and storied fantasy football family.  
FertileNonagenarian: Not as old as me

\--

Kingslayer: Very fucking funny, dick cheese.  
IKnowALittleSomething: u listen?  
Kingslayer: With my father in the room.  
IKnowALittleSomething: hahahahaha, ygritte says it's briennes fav, maybe ur bro is good at it?  
YoungWolf: theon says she gives him bjs  
Kingslayer: BRIENNE IS NOT FUCKING TYRION. GODS YOU'RE DUMB.  
IKnowALittleSomething: im not the 1 who listened 2 candylicker w my dad  
Kingslayer: Who is your dad, carpetcleaner?

\--

URallAssholes: date jaime  
WarriorMaiden: Why do we have this same conversation pretty much every day?  
URallAssholes: sometimes twice  
WarriorMaiden: Why?  
URallAssholes: bc u need 2 date jaime  
WarriorMaiden: He doesn’t like me like that.  
URallAssholes: does 2  
WarriorMaiden: Does not.  
URallAssholes: 22222222  
WarriorMaiden: You are both such infants sometimes.  
URallAssholes: im going 2 invite him and ask  
WarriorMaiden: DO NOT.

[URallAssholes has invited Kingslayer to the conversation.]

WarriorMaiden: Tyrion. I will shove a sock in your piehole.

[Kingslayer has joined the conversation.]

URallAssholes: brienne’s all sexy when she’s violent, isn’t she?  
Kingslayer: Yeah. When she assaults my shirt.  
WarriorMaiden: Your shirt assaulted me first. It hurt my eyes. That weird red embroidery.  
Kingslayer: I’ll take it off for you. I mean. I’ll do anything you like.  
URallAssholes: heh, see?  
WarriorMaiden: Stop it.  
Kingslayer: I can stop if you want, or go. You know, whatever, however.  
URallAssholes: amiright?  
WarriorMaiden: You two cook these things up, don’t you?.

[WarriorMaiden has left the conversation.]

URallAssholes: u need 2 let her know ur hot 4 her  
Kingslayer: I’m trying!!!

\--

BAMFLannister: Olenna, why is Jaime listening to that appalling song you like so much?  
BeenThereDoneThatQueen: Which song, Tywin dear?  
BAMFLannister: The Jody song you like to play in the car.  
BeenThereDoneThatQueen: Ah. Candy Licker. Maybe he's looking for pointers?  
BAMFLannister: A Lannister does not need “pointers.”  
BeenThereDoneThatQueen: You certainly didn’t. Jaime might though.  
BAMFLannister: What is it that you know that I do not know?  
BeenThereDoneThatQueen: Everything, Tywin, everything.  
BAMFLannister: Hrmph.

\--

Kingslayer: Hey Brienne. Want to go running again tonight?  
WarriorMaiden: Aren't you supposed to do something with Tyrion?  
Kingslayer: How often do you too talk?  
Kingslayer: Two.  
WarriorMaiden: I don't know. Once per day? Sometimes twice?  
Kingslayer: What do you talk about?  
WarriorMaiden: Books, tv, football, you, whatever.  
Kingslayer: You talk about me?  
WarriorMaiden: He talks about you.  
Kingslayer: What does he say?  
WarriorMaiden: Are you having some weird sibling dynamic here?  
Kingslayer: Lannisters don't have weird sibling dynamics.  
Kingslayer: Anymore.  
WarriorMaiden: If you say so.  
Kingslayer: I DO say so. And I mean it.  
WarriorMaiden: Fine. I believe you.  
Kingslayer: Good.  
Kingslayer: Running tonight?  
WarriorMaiden: Sure.  
Kingslayer: I listened to your favorite song. :p We can go back to your place after?  
WarriorMaiden: Why don’t we stop somewhere for a post run smoothie?  
Kingslayer: Smooth. Or not smooth, doesn't matter to me. :pb  
WarriorMaiden: ?  
Kingslayer: I'm just saying, don't go to any trouble. I don't care about that.  
WarriorMaiden: What?  
Kingslayer: It's all good for me, smoothies, not smoothies.

[RocketRon has joined the conversation.]

RocketRon: bree, ther is cake in breakroom, saved u slice  
WarriorMaiden: No thanks, Ron. I appreciate the effort.

[RocketRon has left the conversation.]

Kingslayer: I'll put in a lot of effort for you. I like putting in effort. Like your favorite song.  
WarriorMaiden: Yeah, it’s a great song.  
Kingslayer: Really great.  
WarriorMaiden: Not everyone likes it though. I can understand that.  
Kingslayer: I like it.  
Kingslayer: I love it in fact.  
WarriorMaiden: Me too.  
WarriorMaiden: Hey, we have something in common!  
Kingslayer: We do. :p  
Kingslayer: :pbpbpbp  
WarriorMaiden: ?  
Kingslayer: :bpbpbpbpbppbpbpbpbpbpbpbpbppbpbpbpbpbpbpbpbpbpbpbppbpbpbpbp

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So...there it is. Discussions of Cersei will get no deeper than the one in this installment. So all of you hoping for a Cersei cameo? Eh...there are no plans and I don't see it happening. Again, this is a fun, hopefully funny story using only the most obvious character traits and throwing them all in a fantasy football league. This is not anything deep. It shouldn't make you think. It's designed to make you laugh.


	11. Licking, Liking and Liking Liking.  Friday, Part 1.

LadyRose: Explain this to me step by step. You went running with Jaime?  
WarriorMaiden: Yeah, it's nice to have a running partner.  
LadyRose: Why not just let him buy you dinner and then have sex?  
WarriorMaiden: I told you. It's not like that.  
WarriorMaiden: Anyway. It’s platonic.  
LadyRose: Whatever. He did what then?  
WarriorMaiden: We stopped because I wanted a smoothie. He got a double dip of cookies and cream.  
LadyRose: That's not weird.  
WarriorMaiden: It defeats the purpose of the run.  
LadyRose: But you said he was weird with the ice cream.  
WarriorMaiden: He...licked it all weird.  
LadyRose: How does licking an ice cream cone get weird?  
WarriorMaiden: I can't explain it. It was weird.  
LadyRose: Weird hot or just weird?  
WarriorMaiden: Weird weird.

[LadyRose has invited KissedByFire to the conversation.]  
[KissedByFire has joined the conversation.]

KissedByFire: Topic of the day?  
LadyRose: Weird ways of licking ice cream cones.  
KissedByFire: What?  
WarriorMaiden: Like...licking it with your whole tongue.  
LadyRose: Like a dog lapping up water?  
WarriorMaiden: Something like that.  
KissedByFire: Why would you do that?  
WarriorMaiden: I didn’t.  
LadyRose: Her boyfriend did.  
WarriorMaiden: I do NOT have a boyfriend.  
KissedByFire: Come on, Brienne. You have all the topics of the day. We know about you and Tyrion.  
WarriorMaiden: Seven hells.

[WarriorMaiden has invited URallAssholes to the conversation.]  
[URallAssholes has joined the conversation.]  
[Bronn4Sale has joined the conversation.]

URallAssholes: ‘sup tall chick?  
WarriorMaiden: Tell them we are not dating.  
URallAssholes: fine, we r not dating  
WarriorMaiden: And I don’t have your dick pic.  
URallAssholes: she doesn’t have my dick pic  
Bronn4Sale: thyre lyng, they r fuckin like rabbits  
WarriorMaiden: WHAT?  
Bronn4Sale: i saw ‘em, back of his car  
URallAssholes: do u think this will help u win?  
KissedByFire: Brienne, we don’t judge here. I mean, Marg fucked Theon.  
LadyRose: He has a great cock.  
URallAssholes: gingerslut, don’t compare me 2 the cocken  
Bronn4Sale: she has reek’s dick pic 2  
WarriorMaiden: No dick pics. No sex. No boyfriend.  
Bronn4Sale: catch that little lord shithead? no sex? hah.  
URallAssholes: YET  
LadyRose: Just weird ice cream eating.  
URallAssholes: wht?  
Bronn4Sale: how can u eat ice cream weird?  
WarriorMaiden: I am done with you people.  
KissedByFire: I wanna know about the sex wedge, Brienne.  
WarriorMaiden: Shut up.

[WarriorMaiden has left the conversation.]

URallAssholes: ice cream?  
Bronn4Sale: sex wedge?

\--

FertileNonagenarian: katherine hielg is so hot  
SexontheSand: She is a woman too concerned with how her body looks and not how her body feels. Like that other one you used to like. The one with the haircut.  
FertileNonagenarian: shes not hot no more  
SexontheSand: Jennifer Aniston?  
FertileNonagenarian: shes 2 old 4 kids  
SexontheSand: She’s not. She would never have dated you anyway. Neither would Katherine Heigl.  
FertileNonagenarian: u should come try me out. women like me  
SexontheSand: And that is the greatest mystery of Westeros.  
FertileNonagenarian: who do u think is hot  
SexontheSand: Amber Heard.  
FertileNonagenarian: ...  
FertileNonagenarian: shes hot, who is that w her?  
SexontheSand: She's dating Johnny Depp.  
FertileNonagenarian: hes my age!!  
SexontheSand: Not quite.  
FertileNonagenarian: i have a shot  
FertileNonagenarian: where can i get a chain wallet and a stupid hat  
SexontheSand: Hot Topic.

\--

iluvgilly: so i just ask her?  
Needler: uh yeah  
iluvgilly: ur sure? what if she doesn’t like me?  
Needler: sam her id is samissosweet, she likes u  
iluvgilly: but does she like me like me?  
Needler: u have 2 ask to find out  
iluvgilly: im going 2, i am, i am going 2 be brave and ask her  
Needler: sam  
iluvgilly: yep?  
Needler: how can i tell if a boy likes me or likes me likes me?  
iluvgilly: didn’t u just tell me 2 ask?  
Needler: that works 4 u, wont work for me  
iluvgilly: y not?  
Needler: *shrug* im 13?  
iluvgilly: good point  
Needler: y r boys so difficult? he should be brave like u and just tell me if he likes me  
Needler: or likes me like me   
iluvgilly: he should. im AM brave, i’m going 2 ask her  
iluvgilly: tomorrow

\--

RocketRon: hws it gong?  
BushWhacker: total strike out  
EddieBros: me2  
HyleontheHunt: she goes 2 lunch w me

[Bronn4Sale has joined the conversation.]

RocketRon: u fuk her yet?  
BushWhacker: we sur she dosnt have a dik?  
HyleontheHunt: shes not that bad  
EddieBros: looks lik a fukin viking dude  
Bronn4Sale: u mean Brienne?  
RocketRon: yea, u no her?  
Bronn4Sale: know of her  
BushWhacker: hyle has 2 fuk her  
Bronn4Sale: y?  
HyleontheHunt: the league, man, the league  
Bronn4Sale: reasonable

\--

Needler: u date lots of boys, help me!!!!  
LadyRose: Of course. Margaery Tyrell's Boy Help Service. Open for business.  
Needler: how can u tell if a boy likes u or likes u likes u?  
LadyRose: Now that is a question for the ages. What are the relevant facts?  
Needler: he chooses me 1st 4 kickball and dodge ball  
LadyRose: Always a good sign.  
Needler: but im rly good at kickball and dodgeball  
LadyRose: That's a problem. Anything else?  
Needler: we r partners 4 our history project  
LadyRose: Who chose whom?  
Needler: i punched his arm and asked him  
LadyRose: And he?  
Needler: rolled his eyes and said fine  
LadyRose: This is not promising, Arya.  
Needler: he asked me if I needed a ride 2 the dance  
LadyRose: What were his exact words?  
Needler: dunno, "Wanna ride 2 the dance 2gether?" maybe?  
LadyRose: Were you planning to go to the dance?  
Needler: no, dances r stupid  
LadyRose: Let's call in back up.

[LadyRose has invited BeenThereDoneThatQueen to the conversation.]  
[BeenThereDoneThatQueen has joined the conversation.]

LadyRose: Arya needs to know if a boy likes her or likes her likes her?  
BeenThereDoneThatQueen: How is he acting?  
LadyRose: Ambiguous, but there is punching and eyerolling.  
BeenThereDoneThatQueen: Hmmm..it's hard to tell. Have you considered spying on him?  
Needler: spying?  
BeenThereDoneThatQueen: It's a skill worth learning.  
LadyRose: You never taught me to spy.  
BeenThereDoneThatQueen: You've never dated a man worthy.  
LadyRose: HRMPH.  
Needler: spying. i like it.

\--

CommissionerByRight: That would not be appropriate.  
UKnowUWantMe: c’mon stann, help a bro out  
CommissionerByRight: I will not abuse my position.  
UKnowUWantMe: consider it a present  
CommissionByRight: No. It would be an insult to the integrity of the League.  
UKnowUWantMe: STANNIS IM DESPERATE  
CommissionerByRight: I will not demand as Commissioner that Jaime disclose his hair care regimen for you, Loras.

\--

YoungWolf: marble counter tops  
WardenWolf: pansies and gardenias  
YoungWolf: china patterns  
WardenWolf: guest bath towels  
YoungWolf: all those bottles and jars  
WardenWolf: the shoes, fucking hells, the shoes  
YoungWolf: she used my razor on her legs!  
WardenWolf: u wanted to get married son  
YoungWolf: y didn’t u warn me?  
WardenWolf: wouldnt have been honorable

\--

Kingslayer: But when you have pretty colors, you can string them together to make a necklace.  
WarriorMaiden: Why would I want a necklace made out of paperclips?  
Kingslayer: Not that you’d wear the necklace, but that you could make one. I once made one out of 100 paperclips.  
WarriorMaiden: They pay you for that?


	12. Rants, Packages and Gold Punching Gloves.  Friday, Part 2.

URallAssholes: why do i have 2 listen 2 this?  
LadyRose: Shut up. I’m in full rant mode And then she says I've never dated a man worth spying on.  
URallAssholes: u did date theon.  
LadyRose: Fuck you.  
URallAssholes: n e time

[WarriorMaiden has joined the conversation.]

WarriorMaiden: Did you tell Arya to hack into people's emails?  
LadyRose: That was gran.  
WarriorMaiden: Why does she need to hack into emails?  
URallAssholes: GODS, DO NOT ASK  
LadyRose: Shut up, Tyrion.

[SharkReek has joined the conversation.]  
[SharkReek has changed his name to DrBoobs.]

DrBoobs:One tit, Two tits, Red tits, Blue tits,  
Black tits, Blue tits, Old tits, New tits.  
This one has a little car.  
This one has a little star.  
Say! What a lot of tits there are.

[DrBoobs has changed his name to SharkReek.]

URallAssholes: do you like me or do you like me like me?  
SharkReek: wut?  
WarriorMaiden: What's the difference between like and like like?  
LadyRose: Brienne, get with the program. No wonder you’re so clueless.  
URallAssholes: a certain league co-owner likes u likes u

[KissedByFire has joined the conversation.]

URallAssholes: i just like u brienne  
KissedByFire: Are you two together or not?  
WarriorMaiden: No. I am not dating anyone. Stop.  
SharkReek: who likes her likes her thne?  
WarriorMaiden: Keep your mouth shut, Margaery.  
LadyRose: Oberyn offered her sex.  
WarriorMaiden: Stop.

[Bronn4Sale has joined the conversation.]

WarriorMaiden: I am not sleeping with him. I am not going to sleep with him.  
LadyRose: Why not? I would.  
KissedByFire: If it weren't for Jon, I would.  
Bronn4Sale: who?  
URallAssholes: jaime  
KissedByFire: Oberyn.  
LadyRose: Oberyn and Jaime at once.  
KissedByFire: You've been spending too much time with Ellaria.  
SharkReek: devils' 3some

[SexViper has joined the conversation.]

SexViper: Did someone say threesome?  
Bronn4Sale: brienne wants 2 sleep with u, oberyn  
WarriorMaiden: I DO NOT.  
SexViper: The goddess, Brienne. I would make love to your legs with my lips, with my tongue, with my teeth.  
SexontheSand: You do have an amazing mouth, my love.  
SexViper: Her legs. Our mouths.  
KissedByFire: I'm so turned on right now.

[Bronn4Sale has invited Kingslayer to the conversation.]  
[Kingslayer has joined the conversation.]

Kingslayer: Hey wench, did you get that package?.  
Bronn4Sale: brienne gets LOTS of package  
Bronn4Sale: oberyn, tell us more abt how ur gonna give brienne ur package  
Kingslayer: What the fuck, Martell? Leave her alone.  
WarriorMaiden: You realize I hate each and every one of you.  
Kingslayer: Not me?  
URallAssholes: brienne wants more than ur overused dick  
LadyRose: Yeah, you just like her, not like her like her.  
Kingslayer: I’ll punch him for you. I bought something for that.  
WarriorMaiden: Gods. You people make no sense.  
SharkReek: uhm...tits?  
SexViper: If I send you a picture of my beautiful erect package, will you send me a photo of your woman’s mounds?  
LadyRose: Yes.  
KissedByFire: Jon would be so pissed. Yes.  
URallAssholes: there bi-beryn, u can have those 2, brienne is off limits  
Bronn4Sale: gettin’ package from' that guy at work, r u brie?  
Kingslayer: She is NOT fucking that Hyle Hunt guy.  
WarriorMaiden: What are you talking about?  
Bronn4Sale: in another room, hunt and rocket and some bush guy were talkin' bout fukin u  
WarriorMaiden: Hyle, Ben and Ron? The guys I work with?  
Bronn4Sale: fuk if i know  
Kingslayer: They WHAT?  
LadyRose: Hunt’s a douche. Connington has an insufficient package.  
WarriorMaiden: They don’t want to have sex with me.  
Bronn4Sale: hunt does, i mean, brienne, u fukin tyrion, oberyn, hunt, do they wait in line?  
SexontheSand: Why have a line? Why not all at once? We have a very large bed.  
WarriorMaiden: For the love of gods. I am not having sex with any of those men.  
Bronn4Sale: hunt said he was fukin u  
WarriorMaiden: He’s lying.  
Kingslayer: I'll kill him. Tyrion! Call the car. We are going to BE. I've got my new gold punching glove right here.  
LadyRose: Punching someone falls into the like like category.  
KissedByFire: I punch my own assholes.  
SharkReek: ass punching? is that some new kink? pics?  
SexViper: Does the goddess Brienne like spanking?  
SexontheSand: I will spank her.  
WarriorMaiden: I am single and quite happy that way, thank you very much.  
Kingslayer: Really?  
URallAssholes: but do u like someone  
LadyRose: Or like them like them?  
WarriorMaiden: I am going to actually work now. Screw you all.  
WarriorMaiden: System Message: WarriorMaiden is away from her desk.

\--

RedHeadedMother: Well. I don’t know, Jorah. That seems rather personal.  
KellyCsBear: So I should not buy her a silk nightgown?  
RedHeadedMother: She is a married woman. Is Khal Drogo the kind of man who likes a woman in a nightgown?  
KellyCsBear: You make an excellent point. I had not considered the Khal’s feelings.  
RedHeadedMother: She likes candles, right?  
KellyCsBear: Yes, she likes fire.  
RedHeadedMother: You should get her some nice soy candles.  
RedHeadedMother: Perhaps a flowery scent?  
KellyCsBear: Of course. The Khal is not one for bathing.  
RedHeadedMother: He’s not joining Ned’s fantasy football League, is he?  
KellyCsBear: The Dothraki do not cross water for fantasy football. For skiing and hunting vacations, yes, but not for fantasy football.  
RedHeadedMother: That’s a relief.

\--

Kingslayer: I am seriously going to punch them.  
WarriorMaiden: System Message: WarriorMaiden is away from her desk.

\--

BAMFLannister: She was a whore.  
Bronn4Sale: she was hot  
BAMFLannister: Whores are not ‘hot.’  
Bronn4Sale: she was totally hot in that bathtub w richard gere  
BAMFLannister: He was a fool, to fall for a woman who sold her body for sex.  
Bronn4Sale: she had a heart of gold  
BAMFLannister: Whores will do anything for gold.  
Bronn4Sale: did u like her in my best friend’s wedding  
BAMFLannister: Where she sabotaged a wedding and pretended to date a homosexual?  
Bronn4Sale: thas the one  
BAMFLannister: No.  
Bronn4Sale: what abt erin brokovich?  
BAMFLannister: Where she was an environmental crusader with fake breasts?  
Bronn4Sale: nice ones  
BAMFLannister: No.  
Bronn4Sale: r there any Julia Roberts movies u like?  
BAMFLannister: ...No.

\--

WarriorMaiden: I will talk to Renly about it. It will be fine.  
Kingslayer: I’ll punch them for you. I do really have a gold glove.  
WarriorMaiden: Why do I believe that you would have a special gold punching glove?  
Kingslayer: Because it’s good to protect your hand when you punch someone?.  
WarriorMaiden: I’ll give you that.  
Kingslayer: Did you get the present I sent you?  
WarriorMaiden: This paperclip necklace you had hand-delivered to me?  
Kingslayer: Are you wearing it?  
WarriorMaiden: *rolls eyes* It’s a paperclip necklace.  
Kingslayer: That took me like an hour. I wanted to get the colors just right.  
WarriorMaiden: They are all blue.  
Kingslayer: I spent all morning tracking down every blue paper clip in the building.  
WarriorMaiden: Did you really?  
Kingslayer: No. I made my assistant do it.  
Kingslayer: But I put that together on my own!  
WarriorMaiden: I’m sure you’re very good at it.  
Kingslayer: I’m good at other things too.  
Kingslayer: Things people sing about.  
WarriorMaiden: Uhm...Okay?  
Kingslayer: Songs give me ideas. :p  
WarriorMaiden: Music can be inspirational? I guess? I like listening on my iPod when I work out.  
Kingslayer: Not when we run though. Because you have me. You don’t need a song when you have me. Not even your favorite song.  
Kingslayer: :pbpbpb  
WarriorMaiden: Okay. I don’t need music when we run.  
Kingslayer: So you don’t need a song tonight. :bpbppb Because you have me.  
WarriorMaiden: This is getting a little weird.  
Kingslayer: I’m just saying I’m here for you, whenever you want me. If you want me.  
Kingslayer: Do you want me?  
WarriorMaiden: To run?  
Kingslayer: It’s easier if I kneel, lay down, whatever.  
WarriorMaiden: Let’s just stick with running.  
Kingslayer: Yeah, we can get ice cream again.  
WarriorMaiden: Ice cream sort of defeats the purpose of running.  
Kingslayer: I can pick some up, take it to your place. Or my place. Wherever. :b  
WarriorMaiden: I prefer a smoothie.  
Kingslayer: I can take care of that...before we run. You know, make things smooth.  
Kingslayer: If you like that kind of thing? Just tell me.  
WarriorMaiden: I just want to go for a run, no smoothies, no ice cream, no kneeling.  
Kingslayer: Whatever you want. You set the pace. :ppbpbppbpb  
WarriorMaiden: Is it me or are you being weird?  
Kingslayer: Uhm...I guess I’m being weird?  
WarriorMaiden: I have to go. See you tonight.

[WarriorMaiden has left the conversation.]

Kingslayer: YOU ARE A COMPLETE IDIOT JAIME LANNISTER. YOU CANNOT EVEN COME UP WITH A COHERENT SENTENCE. SHE DOESN’T WANT YOU AND YOU SHOULD JUST GIVE UP.

[BAMFLannister has joined the conversation.]

Kingslayer: But she has such pretty eyes.  
BAMFLannister: Jaime, are you talking to yourself?  
Kingslayer: No.  
Kingslayer: Yes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much to [InkandType](http://snarkywordsworth.tumblr.com/) for her amazing Tit Works and showing me how to properly use paperclip necklaces.


	13. Saturday Night Chats.  Part 2.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The movie Brienne makes Jaime watch is [Brian’s Song](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Brian's_Song). It’s a true story with some dramatic license. I cry every time I watch it. The other move mentioned...if you don’t know it, you should.
> 
> Credit for the titbombing again goes to [InkandType](http://snarkywordsworth.tumblr.com/).

Kingslayer: Why aren’t you out tonight?  
WarriorMaiden: Out doing what?  
Kingslayer: Out with that jackass Hunt guy.  
WarriorMaiden: Hyle is fine.  
Kingslayer: If by fine you mean completely hideous.  
WarriorMaiden: Have you even met him?  
Kingslayer: I searched him.  
WarriorMaiden: Really?  
Kingslayer. All right. I had Tyrion search him and report back. He’s an ass.  
WarriorMaiden: Whatever.  
Kingslayer: Did you talk to Renly about him?  
WarriorMaiden: I’m talking to Ren next week. It’s fine. I’m sure it was all a misunderstanding.  
Kingslayer: I have my glove.  
WarriorMaiden: *rolls eyes* Why aren’t you out? Aren’t Tyrion and Bronn trolling the bars?  
Kingslayer: I don’t need to troll for women.  
WarriorMaiden: That’s why you’re at home chatting online with me on a Saturday night.

\--

Needler: can u hack n2 some1s email 4 me?  
Unknown: A girl has already asked favors.  
Needler: fine. can u teach me 2 hack n2 emails?  
Unknown: A man may have knowledge. A man may share. A girl must have a reason.  
Needler: i want 2 spy on my sister  
Unknown: A girl hides the truth.  
Needler: FINE. there is a boy who i think likes me or likes me likes me  
Unknown: If a girl likes a boy, she should tell him.  
Needler: hacking is more fun  
Unknown: A girl should be patient.

\--

WarriorMaiden: I learned everything I know about football from my Dad. He played college ball until he blew out his knee.  
Kingslayer: Wait, your father was Selwyn Tarth? The greatest free safety never to go pro?  
WarriorMaiden: IS Selwyn Tarth, he’s not dead. And yep. He blew out his knee in the Bowl game.  
Kingslayer: That was a damn shame, to see someone so great felled by injury. Like a lion with a hacked off paw.  
WarriorMaiden: It wasn’t so bad. He lived to fight another day.  
WarriorMaiden: Lucky for him he actually got an education in college.  
Kingslayer: Are you insulting my general business degree again?  
WarriorMaiden: Yes.

\--

IKnowALittleSomething: so what next?  
RedHeadedMother: Have you sorted it?  
IKnowALittleSomething: there is a basket of mine and two baskets of sams  
RedHeadedMother: Sorted by color?  
IKnowALittleSomething: that matters?  
RedHeadedMother: YES. Put all the darks together, all the lights together, and all the whites together.  
IKnowALittleSomething: there is a triple loader, cant i throw everything together?  
RedHeadedMother: Do you want all of your clothes to be gray?  
IKnowALittleSomething: We work on the Night’s Watch.  
RedHeadedMother: Fine, throw it all together in a triple loader. Wear dirty looking gray clothes.  
IKnowALittleSomething: i could just bring my laundry when I come visit?  
RedHeadedMother: You are a grown man. You should be able to do your own laundry.  
IKnowALittleSomething: sam usually does it  
IKnowALittleSomething: k, all in the washer together  
IKnowALittleSomething: ahhaha, sam ahs red socks  
RedHeadedMother: Did you put them in with everything else?  
IKnowALittleSomething: u said 2  
RedHeadedMother: I was being sarcastic, you idiot. Now all your whites will be pink.  
IKnowALittleSomething: fuck  
RedHeadedMother: JON WILFRED SNOW  
IKnowALittleSomething: fudge?

\--

WarriorMaiden: Brian’s Song is on.  
Kingslayer: The movie with Lando Calrissian and Sonny Corleone?  
WarriorMaiden: No, the one with Billy Dee Williams and James Caan. Idiot.  
Kingslayer: You like that movie?  
WarriorMaiden: It’s a good film. Have you even seen it?  
Kingslayer: No...  
WarriorMaiden: Turn it on.  
Kingslayer: We could turn other things on instead…  
WarriorMaiden: We can watch a movie together. It’ll be fun. Channel 214

\--

BAMFLannister: I will not do this with you, Olenna.  
BeenThereDoneThatQueen: I know you know how to talk dirty, Tywin.  
BAMFLannister: What occurs between us in the bedroom is one thing. This is another.  
BeenThereDoneThatQueen: But you’re there and I’m here.  
BAMFLannister: You have always had a remarkable grasp of geography.  
BeenThereDoneThatQueen: You like my grasp on other things.  
BAMFLannister: In person.  
BeenThereDoneThatQueen: How about I call you and you can just read aloud whatever financial report you have open in another window?  
BAMFLannister: How do you know I have another window open?  
BeenThereDoneThatQueen: Tywin…  
BAMFLannister: It’s not a financial report. It’s marketing.  
BeenThereDoneThatQueen: Call and read it to me.  
BAMFLannister: Are you that interested in marketing?  
BeenThereDoneThatQueen: I like hearing your sexy voice. It turns me on.  
BAMFLannister: …  
BeenThereDoneThatQueen: I’m wearing that black teddy.  
BAMFLannister: …  
BeenThereDoneThatQueen: Answer your phone.

\--

Kingslayer: YOU DID NOT TELL ME HE WAS GOING TO DIE.  
WarriorMaiden: How can you be a football fan and not know the Gayle Sayers and Brian Piccolo story?  
Kingslayer: I didn’t. I just didn’t. How could you have made me watch it? It was horrible.  
WarriorMaiden: It’s a great football movie.  
Kingslayer: HE DIED.  
WarriorMaiden: I thought you knew.  
Kingslayer: I didn’t!!!  
WarriorMaiden: Are you crying?  
Kingslayer: NO!

\--

iluvgillyu: gilly  
samissosweet: sam?  
iluvgilly: will u b my gf? i mean, if u want 2, no pressure  
samissosweet: YES!!1!!!!111!1!!  
iluvgilly: really?  
samissosweet: YES YES YE SYES  
iluvgilly: let’s change our reltionshp status  
samissosweet: 2gether?  
iluvgilly: @ the same time  
samissosweet: ready?  
iluvgilly: on 3?  
samissosweet: 1  
iluvgilly: 2  
samissosweet: 3  
iluvgilly: !!!!!!!!!  
samissosweet: :))))  
iluvgilly: @}---,----’---

\--

WarriorMaiden: Fine. I’m sorry. I’ll make it up to you.  
Kingslayer: Good.  
WarriorMaiden: Your choice of movie?  
Kingslayer: ...this is so tempting.  
WarriorMaiden: Come on Jaime.  
Kingslayer: Any movie I want?  
WarriorMaiden: A real movie. One that has been shown in a regular theatre.  
Kingslayer: That cuts out all the porn.  
WarriorMaiden: Exactly.  
Kingslayer: Channel 390  
WarriorMaiden: Give me a second.  
WarriorMaiden: NO. NO NO NO. NO. JAIME. NO.  
Kingslayer: You said any movie.  
WarriorMaiden: NO. Not this one.  
Kingslayer: Why? Are you chicken?  
WarriorMaiden: I am not chicken.  
Kingslayer: So, let’s watch the Exorcist.  
WarriorMaiden: I hate this movie.  
Kingslayer: But now that you’ve started watching it, you can’t stop.  
WarriorMaiden: I’m watching it with one hand over my eyes.  
Kingslayer: Scaredy cat.  
WarriorMaiden: Shut up.  
WarriorMaiden: This music gives me chills.  
Kingslayer: I’ll keep you warm.  
WarriorMaiden: This is all your fault.

\--

FertileNonagenarian: *snore*

\--

WarriorMaiden: I hate this part.  
Kingslayer: You hate every part.  
WarriorMaiden: I do.  
Kingslayer: Put on your paperclip necklace. It’ll keep you safe.  
WarriorMaiden: That’s so stupid.  
Kingslayer: You can clutch it when you get scared.  
WarriorMaiden: I’m not scared. I just hate it.  
Kingslayer: Paperclip necklaces ward off possessed children.  
WarriorMaiden: Shut up.  
Kingslayer: You’re wearing it, aren’t you?  
WarriorMaiden: Are you wearing your gold punching glove?  
Kingslayer: Maybe...  
WarriorMaiden: I hate this part.

\--

LadyRose: I kind of miss Theon. He is a talented lover.  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: He’s my brother.  
LadyRose: He just got so annoying during football season. I miss his cock.  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: We are talking about MY BROTHER.  
LadyRose: He’s an idiot, you know.  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: Yes, I know.  
LadyRose: But an idiot with a fantastic cock.  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: MY BROTHER.

\--

WarriorMaiden: Great. Now I’m not going to be able to sleep.  
Kingslayer: We should have watched at my place.  
WarriorMaiden: So you could jump out at me and scare me to death?  
Kingslayer: I wouldn’t do that to you.  
WarriorMaiden: Yes, you would.  
Kingslayer: Yes, I would.  
WarriorMaiden: Be nice.  
Kingslayer: I am nice.  
WarriorMaiden: You made me watch the Exorcist.  
Kingslayer: You made me watch Brian’s Song.  
WarriorMaiden: We are not even.  
Kingslayer: You murdered my shirt.  
WarriorMaiden: It was an ugly shirt.  
Kingslayer: It didn’t deserve death by enchilada.  
WarriorMaiden: Fine. We’re even. Distract me.  
Kingslayer: Then I’ll be ahead.  
WarriorMaiden: Then I’ll get some sleep.  
Kingslayer: Wearing your paperclip necklace.

\--

BeardedStag: You can stop pouting now.  
UKnowUWantMe: not pouting  
BeardedStag: You’ve been ignoring me all night.  
UKnowUWantMe: have not  
BeardedStag: She asked.  
UKnowUWantMe: shell moon over u  
BeardedStag: Brienne said there was a problem at work.  
UKnowUWantMe: its an excuse!  
BeardedStag: I’m just going to dinner with her.  
UKnowUWantMe: its because of my hair, isn’t it?  
BeardedStag: I love your hair.  
UKnowUWantMe: really?  
BeardedStag: Always.  
UKnowUWantMe: can we cuddle?  
BeardedStag: I’m scooting over now.

\--

WarriorMaiden: Really, Jaime. No.  
Kingslayer: Come on. It’ll be fun. (You’re laughing at the thought.)  
WarriorMaiden: No it won’t. (I am, but no.)  
Kingslayer: Try it. You might like it. (I’m a good distractor.)  
WarriorMaiden: What makes you think I haven’t tried it before? (You are.)  
Kingslayer: Wait. Have you? Tell ME. How could you do it without me??  
WarriorMaiden: It’s none of your business.  
Kingslayer: You’ve never tried it with me. I’m good.  
WarriorMaiden: Keep telling yourself that. *rolls eyes*  
Kingslayer: Try it and then you can judge.  
WarriorMaiden: I know me and I’m terrible.  
Kingslayer: We can do it however you want. Whatever makes you comfortable.  
WarriorMaiden: I don’t want to do it at all.  
Kingslayer: We’d be good together.  
WarriorMaiden: No, we wouldn’t.  
Kingslayer: You’re the one that I want?  
WarriorMaiden: No I’m not.  
Kingslayer: We’ve got tonight?  
WarriorMaiden: No we don’t.  
Kingslayer: Don’t you want me baby?  
WarriorMaiden: Not really.  
Kingslayer: Baby come to me?  
WarriorMaiden: I’m happy right here where I am.  
Kingslayer: Hate that I love you?  
WarriorMaiden: Hate that you’re suggesting this.  
Kingslayer: I got you babe?  
WarriorMaiden: Jaime, I am not going to go to karaoke duet night with you next Saturday.  
Kingslayer: Don’t go breakin’ my heart!  
WarriorMaiden: I couldn’t if I tried?  
Kingslayer: YES!!  
WarriorMaiden: My eyes would roll but I’m half asleep.  
Kingslayer: Properly distracted?  
WarriorMaiden: Yes, Jaime. Thank you.  
Kingslayer: Brienne?  
WarriorMaiden: Jaime?  
Kingslayer: Sweet dreams.  
WarriorMaiden: You too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the last installment for a couple weeks. I appreciate all who have commented and laughed. This is a lot of fun for me to write. It really is pure shipper silliness, but I always like a good laugh.
> 
> There are a lot of really fantastic serious fics out there, on AO3 actually, not just for Jaime/Brienne fans, but Arya/Gendry, Sansa/Sandor, Roose/Walda, Stannis/Davos. I strongly encourage all of you fans to read those wonderfully crafted, well-written fics.
> 
> This? What I'm doing? It's just silly and ridiculous and fun. GRRM Martin has created these characters and I'm just playing with them like paper dolls, anatomically correct paper dolls. 
> 
> If you have a pairing and a topic you'd like to see, please feel free to contact me at JaimeBrienne.com. I'm Mikki. PMs are welcome. 
> 
> Thanks again for all the comments. They are funnier than the story itself. You people....I love this fandom.


End file.
